I sensed it

Accepting the fact he didn’t love me anymore was hard and devastating, but to pretend like I didn’t know he was changing just so I could extend the relationship a bit longer was even worse and indirectly made me felt like I was disgusting. I couldn’t just be that selfish to watch him forcing himself to be with me. I’d rather let him go even thought I know it would break me to pieces.  

When it came to loving someone, I could feel and notice every little thing in detail. It wasn’t my intention; I just instinctively intuited the things. I noticed his tone of voice, word by word in texting, topic during the conversation, face expression, eye contact, and even how he touched and kissed me on our last evening together.

That evening at mid of November 2022, he didn’t kiss me the way he used to anymore. Normally, he started it. But this time, it was only me. I felt like I did all the work alone, and he was reluctant to even just respond. I could immediately perceived, he had changed. I didn’t know him anymore. Like totally someone new to me. I wondered if he was still mine, was I still had all the consent we both had agreed the day before.

I had asked him for a hug before we left the house. I hugged him tightly. I know it was for the last time, just like the atmosphere on June 02, 2018. And I was going to miss him really bad. I was going to remember his body temperature, his smell, and his heartbeat on that evening for a period of time.

 

March 17, 2023

Too Attached

I wonder if I was the only one, or was it everyone to feel this way too? To feel like being too attached to people, or places, or things. I wonder if being too attached is self-sabotaged? Was it only unkind to myself, or was it something I unaware of that the fact it was also toxic to people around me? 

Was I being too much? Or was I being too childish to feel like I couldn’t be any better without them? Or was I the only one who seem to don’t understand how this world works? Or am I being sick?

I can feel easily excited and damaged over little thing. They could just come into my life a few days before, but I could feel as broken as I had known them for year whenever I know our connection would no longer be the same, or when I came to aware there is no way I could ever be able to talk to them in a way I used to anymore, or even just to stare at. Like I could be annoying to them or indirectly making them feel uncomfortable in a certain way.

The thing is I can’t stop thinking about them. I don’t know why, but it seems their shadows keep running in my head non-stop. I perceive it only adds more suffering to my own chest, but how do I not feel it that way? It’s like everywhere and everything I’m going to or doing right now is reminding me of them. 

That attachment is totally killing me.

No Title

As it has always been said, nothing is last forever. If we rely too much on the external things, we are going to perpetually and repeatedly be suffered.

Things come and go, we humans need to learn to let things be the way they suppose to be, willingly and without constrained. When they come, give them the best out of ours. And when their presence is no longer there, be okay to accept the fact our moment together comes to an end.

I know watching things we love or we crave for slowly fade away is hard, it's heart-wrenching. I've experienced this too, too many times. But we have to be aware that our life still go on, and it isn't over yet. It is just one moment/event that is terminated.

That is time to move on and start over something new. Let unwanted circumstances be a lesson for next move. Don't ever give up on yourself.

P.S. RIP, Unknown...

✍️: March 01, 2023

⚙️: it’s all about a guy who committed suicide recently