Sea Shells

Walking along the beach in an evening was a wonderful moment, and more interesting for beach that was full of sea shells. So, we could pick some of them home for souvenir, for ourselves, for reminding our good old day, for we could find our feeling back when it is getting faded somehow.

The sand there was not as smooth as the sand in my country. It was made up of bigger gravel (it was not too big but bigger than where I was from), the broken corals, and sea shells. All were in and on that sand. It hurt my feet to wander around on them on some areas.

An older brother who looked my age was leading closer to the beach, when he started to pick his first snail shell up and hold it in his hand. I was thinking if I should pick some by my own or should I ask him to pick one for me so as to keep as souvenir. Beside speaking it out, I was walking pass by many beautiful shells I loved, yet I told myself not to collect even one of them.

"Here, it's beautiful!" Said he, and he handed it straight to me. OMG! xD hahaha

My hand was faster than my brain! Yeah, I took it from him. "Yes, it is!" I replied.

'Does he just ask me to hold for him? Will he take it back? Nuh, I don't care. I will never give him back anyway. It's mine now!' I thought. And then I put it into my shirt pocket, while he was looking for another one.

This photo was taken on May 29, 2018. This writing was written and uploaded on my Facebook on September 02, 2018.

Wonderland

I was once falling into wonderland, and I almost forgot where I actually belonged to. I was trapped for its atmosphere, or maybe the one I was near.

But what is wonderland to you? Is it somewhere you have never been before? Is it where magical happens? Or is it stunning thing you had seen in fairy tale?

For me, perhaps they are somewhat a happiness which once was built at a place I did not belong to. It was somewhere I had to force myself to leave when my time was over. And it was only a place that even I was coming back, at some points I would not feel it was there anymore.

Now I wonder if wonderland was something I lost, or was it something I could not stop dreaming about? Was it haunting me, or was I just craving for it to open its door for me again?

Wonderland was like the only place that most of my dreams came to life. The only place where I could have a lot of fun out of my fear. I could ride fake boat and fall from hill. Train. Car in a made-up jungle. Haunting house. Mirror maze. Bumping cars. Ferris wheel. 4D movie. The science room. And Roller-coaster. All were under fake-dark-sky, a black clothes.

Wonderland was more likely not a special and magical place, it was just a place where I could go to any times, yet it made me felt like the place was special like magic in another way. Blue and green ocean. Rough rock mountain. Remote island. Cave. Baby shark. Manta ray.

Sometime, wonderland was not on land. It was up into the sky. It was when I pressured myself not to fall asleep for two hours straight on Garuda just to had a simple conversations up there which helped my heart jumping up and down like a happy dog!

Possibly, wonderland is for everyone, yet you found it already or later. I found mine once at 3000 kilometers away from home. And hopefully, I am seeking for a way coming back to it again.

Have you found yours?

A Night to Remember

So, if you played with my left ear, I would still keep my eyes on my phone screen and pretend like I did not know it. But if you ever veered off, I would shamelessly follow you.

So, if you touched my right thigh with your left hand when I worn short, I might push your hand away immediately. I would not actually mind that touch. It was just my instinct, a resisting without thought.

So, if you kissed me on my lip, I would try my best to reciprocate, even though I did not really know how to respond. I was still new to that thing. But if you happened to want more, I would ask for lights out.

So, if your hand kept running on my tummy and went up and up right under a dark green t-shirt you had lent me at early of that evening, I would laughed out at that moment. It was my sensitive spot. But if you asked me why, I would said I did not know.

So, if our lips touched already, would you now want to share your bed with me? Or would you want me to leave as soon as I could?

So, if this was the night I had to remember, would you still have it on your mind too?

Crystal Blue

This photo was captured on May 31, 2018. 08:21 am. In Papua, Indonesia.

He was just like this ocean. It was crystal blue, the color I love. It was clear, no dirt, no garbage, yet I still could not look through it from the surface to the bottom.

He was like this blue sea. It was only blue in there. Whether I stored it into a bottle, it turned to different color immediately.

He was like this beautiful saltwater. It was so far away from where I belonged to, calm, and no shorelines. But if I happened to fall into it, I knew I would never be able to get out of it without helping hand.

He was like this natural water park. He gave me nostalgia, so it could haunted me later that I had to remember him for that.

But he was not like this pale blue ocean which I could gravitate to the bottom of it till I lost my breath. He just kept pushing me back to where I belonged to, every time I had tried to dive in.

Blue Ocean

[... I love where the ocean go blue and green at the same time, except a morning of June 02, 2018 ...]

That crystal blue ocean

Witnessed our story

That wooden bunk beds 

Kept secret you and me

That rough mountain rocks 

Stored our mystery 

Fear

Desire

And risky

Only the moon heard my dread

When my light went flickering 

Only the dock felt my weight 

When my heart lost its wings

Only the boat saw my truth

When my tear dripped out of my skin

And

Pretended 

Like nothing.

Lie Not To Lie

Today, two years ago was a very special day in my life. My new favorite milestones were added to my journal almost 10 days straight, and 30th May was my fifth at that period.

It was an evening, after we spent hours being wet for whole day on our boat trip. We finally arrived our homestay which was on a remote island in Raja Ampat, Indonesia. Nobody else, just us.

We had dinner together at our wooden dinning table, and everyone had conversations in Bahasa Indonesia which I could not understand even a thing. So, I just kept eating. I remember I ate 8 shrimps when everyone only got a few of them. XD hahaha

Suddenly, they turned the question at me. And six pair of eyes were too. They staring me down before their question came out.

"How do you know Mr. K?" His friend, Hendra, asked.

"You can ask him directly." because Mr. K was also there, and I just didn't want to tell a lie. I was not good at lying.

Mr. K used to tell me in April 2017 that if anyone asked how we knew each other, just told them we were from a game. But the problem was I didn't usually play game. What if they asked me in detail? I would be stung!

"We just want to know if he lied us or not. He told us he knew you from game." The another friend, Meilisa, who sat next to me said.

I glanced at him, but he kept staring at food on table, and he picked some food up to bite. He choked a little bit before he left the table for water. Guess he was pretending not to care about their question and my answer.

"Sorry. I cannot remember because it's long time already." I lied. Anyway.

"How long?"Asked Meilisa.

"Maybe 2 years."

"Not that long to not remember." She said so, but there was no more question.

Everyone was quiet for a few seconds, then Hendra, that same person who sat at the opposite of my seat and next to Mr. K, began...

"Look at him." Hendra's hand was on Mr. K's face, like he was trying to introduce me his brand new product. "He's so handsome. You know? He has so many girlfriends there." He continued.

Everyone laughed, and so did I. I began to feel like everyone could feel my feel toward Mr. K too. We just chose not to speak it out, or the atmosphere would turn to uncomfortable.

"Why do you like Raja Ampat?" Meilisa asked.

I paused a few seconds. 

What? I did not even use to know Raja Ampat before. I just came here to see him!

"I like sea and mountain." I replied and smiled at her. (Thinking how smart and flexible I was.) haha

Everyone started to talk in Bahasa again. I can not understand. But I was totally enjoy the moment.

Password

It was embarrassing to tell that I once had his full date of birth for my mobile lock screen, 211188. It was kind of special and a little heartwarming to have cyphers which most of people didn't know, yet I was sure there were several people would understand.

It was like I wanted it to stay secret, at the same time I wanted it getting exposed. I didn't want anyone know it, yet I aspired someone could intuit my hidden message. Like a riddle which was waiting for someone to solve it to be freed.

It was all fine until a day I was almost caught by him when we were on our second trip, May 28, 2018.

I was alone with him in the same bedroom that I had to be more careful, to never let him got chance approached my phone. I knew he was smart enough for that such as thing. He might guess it right, and I would be in trouble. haha

I had changed it to my year of birth, plus my favorite number, and his year of birth. It was 932288. He would never get it right, I was confident (not really). Also, I was using fingerprint instead of typing my passcode out in front of him. I was smart, too, right? And yeah! I passed. I didn't get caught that night although he had used my phone for a short period, he helped changing new sim card and tested it for me!

But, there was a night of 1st June, it was when he needed my phone again for many times to call home and check his social media, for his phone gone wild for the heavy rain the days before. I unlocked my phone for him all the time I passed mine to him, only once when he was holding it long enough until it locked by itself. He asked me to unlock for him again. That time, I wanted to try too. To know. If he knew. If he even paid attention to. I gave him my password.

"Sembilan tiga dua dua delapan delapan." I spoke his language. Yeah, I could count in his language well enough. XD "I gave you my password, but promise me to never lock into my notes!" Added I. It would be a devastating if he happened to lock into my notes because most of my writing there were about him.

"I know." Said he. I truly trusted him.

He applied that code in and started typing. He showed me that it already unlocked and looked at me from about three meters away.

"I know there is something in your password." He said and looked back to the light screen. My heart was racing, but I played it cool. I pretended like I knew nothing.
"What?" Asked I.
"It's your year of birth and mine." He said and peek at me a little bit.
"No. It's not." I lied.
"It is. That 93 is yours, and 88 is mine." He seemed confident.
"Then what is that 22 for?"
"I don't know. But I'm sure that 93 and 88 is ours." said without looking at me.
"It's not." I convinced (?). @@ before I escaped to take a shower.
"It is."

Then the secret code was finally solved like I had expected too although I didn't admit it. hahaha. At the same time, I felt embarrassed for what I had done. But for whatever it was, all I kelp in mind was that 'I didn't have so much time.' It was less than 24 hours before we had to part again. For year. Or years. Or forever. I had no clue.

Three Years Ago, Three Years Later

Oh god! I’m so jealous of my memory for today three years ago!

It was the day I had slept only two hours and half, then I had activities for full day, from 5:30 to 20:00. I felt like I was a walking dead, yet I had warm body. That was not R from Warm Bodies, but that was R.I.T.H from Phnom Penh. XD hahaha

I miss how I was nervously walking through crowd of street market at down, alone, and for first time. I was reaching the blue dot on my messenger’s map. My heart kept racing, the butterflies in my stomach kept moving non stop too. God! My dot was closely gravitating to the another dot on Share Location plateform.

Olympic Stadium, Independence Monument, Royal Palace, Central Market, Sorya shopping center, Wat Phnom, Russian Market, and Aeon mall before we headed back to the bus stop. That was how our 14 hours and half went.

I also remember that April 25, 2017 had a heavy rain in evening. Some roads were flooding. Lightning and thunder frightened me.

I remember I ambled back home alone again with so many emotions in my head. I remember I got a promise for another meetup in the future which would be longer, better, and further. 

Fear and Desire

There is always a time when we feel like we jeopardize our life by stepping out into our biggest fear so as to seek for a small happiness within them. We may win, and we may lose. No one knows if we have never given our first step out.

If we are lucky enough, we'll find it, and there will be another milestone. If we are misfortune, it'll be another nightmare or become empty. Life is like this. Yet there are certain things we would still be able to hold them along whether we lose or win; our new experience and memory.

Is it worth for the risk? Maybe. Things always come and go, but we human don't just exist and disappear into air. We build, and we remain. We commemorate, we remind, and we are remembered. That's what make us special. And that special things lead us to each of our own perpetual journey. To meet unexpected events in life. And our goal, the little happiness above.

Perhaps it sounds stupid for most people to think about putting ourselves into uncomfortable circumstances in order to earn memories. Perhaps there is only emotional people would be able to intuit its value. And keep going for it, fight for it, celebrate for it, and cry for it.

Like if I hadn't dived into my dreadfulness in that middle year of the dog, how could I get the seashells and sand, the new banknotes and coins, his touch and kiss, his goodbye hug and my tear? And I would have no stories to tell too.

Eyes Contact

It amused me when I saw people made eyes contact on television or novels. It looked and sound fake, until I once experienced by my own.

It was a little different from movie when two people made eyes contact, where they could feel electricity ran through from one side to another. Yet one thing just went in parallel was everything went disappearing at the moment both sides refused to look away, but each other eyes.

We were at the middle of the super crowded canteen in Aeon Mall. Nothing. We were just resting after a long hours walk for our city tour, Phnom Penh.

He looked at me, and I did the same. We both smiled, yet our eyes were stillness. Normally, I was the kind of person who was easily stared down, but this time I was linger for a while. I guess it was more than 10 seconds, a moment I felt we were alone together in a white world where I could only see him, his eyes and his smile. And no one else.

I felt like we were secretly communicating, seeking, diving, reading, or else in silent just to learn about each other. Like there was a key to every questions we were holding on. Or an answer which possibly solved to all the riddle in our heads.

And since then, I started to noticed he peeked at me for several times. Just like I was doing since I had met him. And whenever our eyes met, we just gave each other a little smile. It seemed we intuited the messages which had never been sent out.

I just wished my cheeks didn't turn red at the moment our eyes were contacting.

Light in the Dark

May 31, 2018: before it went dark, before we continued our riding...

In the darkest circumstance, things learn to shine their light and depend on no one.

It amazed me when I once was at the middle of the ocean on a speedy tiny boat at night time. I saw nothing beside the lamp at the front of that transporter which shot to somewhere faraway, and the darkness was all around. It was extremely dark. I couldn't even see my finger, nor did I see the face I believed it was right there in front of me for hours till then.

Another hour later, maybe, I started to see the reflection of moon rise over the dark sea. I began to notice the dim blue light were jumping out non-stop from where the boat collided with the sea water. All were moving and glowing over us, the boat, at the middle of no where.

The guy who sat face to me long ago moved to an empty seat next to me. The reflection from sea at least helped me see his shadow there, his approach. "It's plankton." Said gently by that same gentle guy. And we both looked at that natural light dancing show, I believed so.

That atmosphere reminded me of a scene in The Good Dinosaur, a 2015 American animated film. The moment where Arlo and human kid were running on a grass field in the dark night, and suddenly fireflies were drifting out of the grass with their beautiful glows. It was like they were playing over those moving stars in the galaxy.

I brought my phone out of my short pants' pocket; 'May 31, 2018: In the dark, sea knows how to brighten by itself.' Noted me.  

I Hate You

Have you ever told someone that you hate him or her, yet you did not feel that way at all?

Said we hate them, for they did the thing we wish them not to do, for they seemed not to understand us, for they did not perceive the matter we expected them to know although we had never once said it out.

Remember a day, late May of 2018, when he suddenly came to tell me he was going to go on a separated boat, at the last minute, without a warning. He told me he had to go for scuba diving alone because he was the only person who had license for diving, so I needed to go with all of his friends instead, new friends I was not close to at all.

"I hate you!" I told him as he turned his back at me after saying goodbye. He turned around and peeked at me. "Please don't hate me!" said he. He remained his gentle smile on his face before he finally left me alone with his five friends.

'I hate you, but please come back soon and safe. I'm waiting.' I talked to myself.

I hated that he had to waste certain hours of that day which I was holding on not so much. I hated that he did not understand I was there just to see him, not those places. I hated that he made me felt like I was abandoned. I hated that the scuba diving required us to take course before they could permit us. I hated that I had to say I hated him instead of the fact I wanted him back safely, and I was there waiting to see him again.

I noticed I had never said I hated anyone, even someone I did not really like so much. Yet I came to speak it out to the person I was sure I had never meant or felt it even once.

Or is it to say we hate someone can translate in opposite of the actual definition of the word itself?

Remote Area

Date: April 07, 2019

Edit: November 17, 2019

I was kind of realizing that time was much longer and worth opening my eyes for when I was once in a remote area where mobile service was no longer available. It was the only moment I could feel people were really connected.

However, I was still on phone sometimes. But I was recording the time, words, and important information I though I might forget somehow. I just loved to collect memories, both good and bad.

People said memories were better captured by our eyes and stored in our heart, the one on light screen were not as beautiful as the actual version. So we should leave our phone, and consume the real time.

But I think it was not enough to only let the full resolution of the moment run across our sense and passed by forever. Saw it, and recorded it. And the best time to be able to get things in detail was to document it right after it happened.

Some people went to mountain to see the mountain, and some went there to feel it. Yet both intention were just to build memories. It is okay to have different point of view or way of consuming.

Relationship Status

Relationship Status is just a word or compound words. We use them to describe how two or more people would like to be called or identified together. Good or not good, we are the one who give the definition to our own status.

Some people call each other "Best Friend" just to show how close they are, yet they come to talk bad behind each other's back. Being jealous when one is getting better than one. Secretly attack the one they usually call bestie somehow.

Some still call one another "Husband or Wife", but they do not love each other anymore. They cheat their partner and make love with new people.

Some are in relationship, not with just one person, but with many people. They love having fun rather than having a serious one.

Some couple are not married, but they live and have child together. And they love each other so much.

Some consider themselves and their partner as friend, yet they are more then what anyone could ever imagine. They do not say I Love You, they do not call each other boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, but they kiss. They sleep with each other, but they belong to no one.

Some relationship do not need to explain to or get verified from the whole world. We just need to keep it for ourselves. Just to be able to be aware of where we are, what we are doing, and what we had done is enough.

There are many types of relationship. And no one could ever understand it better than the ones who are working on it. It is really not our duty that we have to judge, to describe, to measure, or to give mark for anyone's personal life.

Human Touch

The touch from people we love is warm and exciting, and it is like an electricity shock and cause pain sometime. The touch is also part of human connection, the communication without word, but we seem to be able to perceive the message well enough. To touch or to get touched, both are the best the feeling in the world, yet it is a sorrow if we are unable to, do not have a chance for, or become to lost the opportunity.

Do you remember that feeling when you touched him or her for the first time, like a greet? Did you hear the thud your heart made during the both side of skins had met? I know I was not the only one who felt that excitement of how the warm feeling ran through our hand, soon they reached our heart and made it moved non-stop, and the dread of the beat in our chest being heard came along.

That same touch can possibly lead to the ache as well. It comes from being nervous. For instance, when Oliver put his arm around Elio and Did a gently squeeze on Elio's shoulder for the kind of friendly touch or massage. But Elio had to pull himself out of Oliver's arm, for the pain, but it was not really a pain, yet it was a pain of excitement and nerve. The sore which caused by the virgin skin was being touched for the first time. – Call Me By Your Name. Similarly, I once got touched from a person I loved, on my thigh when I was wearing short, I was shocked at the moment and instinctively pushed his hand away immediately. It was not I rejected him, but it was a resist without thought.

The touch can also be a sorrow. Oftentimes, when the intense is constrained. Especially, when the both sides crave for it from each other so much, yet the situation does not allow. And what surprise us as always for this circumstance is that they would sacrifice their most values, even though it is just for once. For example, in Five Feet Apart, Stella and Will risked their life just to be closer to each other. In Everything Everything, Maddy left her comfort zone and put her life in danger just to be once with Olly. And back in an old day, I remember I pushed myself to go through my phobia with tear on my cheeks just to visit a person. To see him and to be able to touch his hand again.

Because only when we touch him or her, we could feel the agony from missing someone is being healed.  Because only when we got touched back, we then realize that if they are really there for us or not anymore.