The Connection

I hate human connection!

It was like when we just say “hi” the day before, and now it was time we had to say “goodbye”. In just a blink of an eye. It was when we feel like millions of butterflies were happily playing so hard in our stomach those few days ago, and then it was replaced by billions of bees instead. They seemed to try to get out of there, yet they could not, and they started to stink us with their sharp needles.

Sometime, I felt like I was so lucky that I did not have to be a real tour guide that I had to watch people come and go more often than the current situation, for emotional person like me was so easily broken. The little change in life could also made hole and left me empty for awhile or longer. It was like crushing by an unseen thing. We did not physically hurt, but mentally we did.

I had always wondered how did the tour guide feel when they had to say goodbye to those who they had spent so much times with for awhile. Or is it just me?

Once I had asked the tour leader during the trip, if she had ever felt tired of doing so. She said “No. Because I had met new people, and all of them brought me different feeling too.” Actually, it was right, but it was not what I was really asking. I just felt like it was a bad question that I had to shut my mouth up. The fact, I was wondering if she had ever felt tired of being left again, and all of them tended to leave at the same spot, in repeat.

Similarly, to the point where we were so okay walking alone for decades. Suddenly, people came up and joined our long-distance walk, and sooner or later we had to come back on the same way, yet we found no one there, just us. Now it became totally not okay! The atmosphere seems to be more quiet and scarier, yet the surrounding was all the same. The only thing that changed was the feeling of getting used to.

No! I do not think I really hate the connection. I love it. Maybe I hate when the bond goes broken. And I have no idea when it could be connected again. And if it would be the same.