Too Attached

I wonder if I was the only one, or was it everyone to feel this way too? To feel like being too attached to people, or places, or things. I wonder if being too attached is self-sabotaged? Was it only unkind to myself, or was it something I unaware of that the fact it was also toxic to people around me? 

Was I being too much? Or was I being too childish to feel like I couldn’t be any better without them? Or was I the only one who seem to don’t understand how this world works? Or am I being sick?

I can feel easily excited and damaged over little thing. They could just come into my life a few days before, but I could feel as broken as I had known them for year whenever I know our connection would no longer be the same, or when I came to aware there is no way I could ever be able to talk to them in a way I used to anymore, or even just to stare at. Like I could be annoying to them or indirectly making them feel uncomfortable in a certain way.

The thing is I can’t stop thinking about them. I don’t know why, but it seems their shadows keep running in my head non-stop. I perceive it only adds more suffering to my own chest, but how do I not feel it that way? It’s like everywhere and everything I’m going to or doing right now is reminding me of them. 

That attachment is totally killing me.

No Title

As it has always been said, nothing is last forever. If we rely too much on the external things, we are going to perpetually and repeatedly be suffered.

Things come and go, we humans need to learn to let things be the way they suppose to be, willingly and without constrained. When they come, give them the best out of ours. And when their presence is no longer there, be okay to accept the fact our moment together comes to an end.

I know watching things we love or we crave for slowly fade away is hard, it's heart-wrenching. I've experienced this too, too many times. But we have to be aware that our life still go on, and it isn't over yet. It is just one moment/event that is terminated.

That is time to move on and start over something new. Let unwanted circumstances be a lesson for next move. Don't ever give up on yourself.

P.S. RIP, Unknown...

✍️: March 01, 2023

⚙️: it’s all about a guy who committed suicide recently

Waiting is Heartbreaking

I have two tiny puppies, Chihuahua. The bigger one is male, and the smaller one is female. They have become part of my family for years that I'm so used to having them waiting for my return every day, after work.

Everything went in repeat; saying goodbye to them every morning and hello to them every evening become my favorite habit.

Especially, the smaller one, she followed me like a shadow. She went everywhere I was. She slept nearby me every night. She waited next to me when I took a nap, and she sat face to window when I was home late.

But 2020 comes, thing changes. I have to leave home to another province for awhile, maybe for 6 months or longer. I have to help my grandma's work there that I cannot reject.

Last morning in Phnom Penh, It was like she knew I was leaving, for I had a few packages. She followed me to ground floor which she normally refused to go in the morning because she knew I went to work. The way she ran after me on that day got tear in my eyes. I had to try to think about other things else to get over her for a while, otherwise I would cry for sure.

It's terrible to think of someone is waiting for my return, yet this time it takes longer than usual. It's even more horrible to think they have no idea how long that longer will take. Hours? Days? Week? Months? They have no clue at all.

What if they don't understand and they think they are abandoned and not loved anymore? To think of that, I feel broken already. I'm going to miss them so much.

Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

"Ma'am, can I keep wearing the brace? I feel I am more beautiful with it, and I do not want to take it off." - Little unknown girl asked the dentist in the morning she had made an appointment for taking her brace off.

Many times, we are just like this young girl, we come to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable after time. For we stay with the trouble maker for too long, until we are tame to it. And we eventually become to feel like we can not be any better without it. We can also feel like we are losing a part of our life which cause us to be anxious about not being able to fill back the upcoming hole.

We tend to forget how annoying those brackets and wires are; the most when we were eating. We seem to ignore the fact our lips got cut over time already. We are more likely to no longer mind the difficulty we often tried to keep our teeth clean, the over brushing, yet they still got stained.

We did not aware that we are actually free from something that sabotage us for this long. We are actually losing the agony we have hold for years. And in reality, we are going to let our damaged skin recover.

For certain, it can be hard or weird at the first few days without them because we already used to the thick on our teeth for ages, and suddenly they go thin again. The hole is just for temporary. Sooner or later, we can surely intuit the right decision we had made. And realize that the actual comfortable is not the feeling of getting used to with the uncomfortable situation at all. It must be when we do not hesitate to abandon any circumstances which devastate us.

Why do we have to linger to something that keep tearing us into pieces everyday while leaving for better is the choice we can always go for?

Hello, Love, Goodbye

Hello, Love, Goodbye - Philippine romance / 2019

We may not know until we once step in this path by our own. To fall in love with a person we know exactly he/she is going to leave. And yet we still insist to struggle. We know we can not change the fact the person is not going to stay, so to maintain that quality time we are holding as much as possible and make it the best as we can is the only choice we have and crave for. Make sure we are not wasting it even a second.

Tell you what, counting down the time at this circumstance is like waiting for when someone come up just to rip our heart to pieces. And all we do is to be willing to watch ours are being torn to part. And keep reminding ourselves "I can match those broken pieces and glue it after. Sooner or later, it is going to be recovered."

Whatever, which encounters are not going to end up saying goodbye? It is just in a short period or longer. Return or never. Feeling attached or detached.

Some people walk pass our line just to say hello and goodbye. Some cross ours and stick around for a period of time, build memories for us to remember, and leave.

There is also a quote say "Nothing is last forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what's between hello and goodbye." - Unknown

Yes! Do not let the time rush us to do what we wish to do. Do not let our hesitation build up an empty room for us. Be brave enough to hold the brush and paint the color we covet for. When the time is ours, grab and squeeze it tight. Worth and appreciate every moment. Spread love, because hate is not worth remembering. Let LOVE stay between our HELLO and GOODBYE.

Memories Haunt

Is this called MEMORIES HAUNT?

To feel like our heart is tossed into the air whenever the person who left long ago suddenly appeared in our head. Seemingly, it was just happened a few days or minutes before, although it took place for ages.

To feel like we are losing our breath to realize that we are not going to see them again. This sounds dramatic, yet it was exactly occurred to us, when we could hardly breath because of the happy moment in the past kept drifting over nonstop. And we realize that we do not have the power to bring it up again.

To dream about their returning, and only to disappoint ourselves when we wake up knowing it was not truly happening. It kept waking us up many times a night, almost we could not sleep. It is definitely awkward! They killed our mood in day time is not enough, so they come up and haunt us in our dream too. For we can feel the agony twice.

To feel sad and pain when we go to place we used to be together with them, and now they were absent. We may linger to the place, for we see their picture is moving in front of us. The way they dress, walk, and smile. And the way we gazed at them like they were the only object there.

To keep hearing their phrases or voice, and sounds like it is new in our hear. We also remember how they pronounce words almost we can repeat those lines out in the same accent. Sometime, we even answered the call in our head out loud. And to only aware we were alone with ourselves now.

And if these are not called haunting, I do not know what haunting is, when their visiting scare us harder than ghost does.

I Know Myself

To touch the fire would make my fingers burning. To stare at the bright bulb would be a devastation of my sight. To linger close to the lamp would turn my skin to the hue of that giving glow. But I have always been so stubborn and foolishly done all these things sometimes, repeatedly like I have never learnt. Like I have never been cracked.

To walk pass the police line while they are hanging, it has never been in my head. To get into someone's house without invitation, the thing I could never make it occur. To stand on my tiptoes or any objects to make myself look taller is something out of my desire. To aggressively cross the road when the traffic light goes red, that would never be in my though too. So no need to be worried about it. I am not going to cut the queue in order to be at front line although I do not like waiting.

I have always been sufficiently advised; to never lean on someone, take credit on work I do not belong to, break other people's wall, exaggerate things, fake being someone else, steal other people's happiness, or even to earn benefit from relationship. And I have also set a very strict rules for myself on how to reciprocate the other.

Whatever, I am just a human being, too, like you and everyone else. I made mistakes. Sometime it was unintentionally done, and sometime I did not aware of it. But I am sure I have never premeditated them out. If you see it, and you do not let me know, and you expect me to intuit what I do not know since the first place by shouting out inside yourself. How is it possible? How can I read your mind?

I may have crossed my line and walk out of my circle sometime, but I have never forgotten to remind myself to never attempt to demolish the other people's belongings. I have always known that, inside me.

Looking For The Eyes

It is not that hard to describe how a person or thing looks like when we once face to face, yet it seems we need so much effort to be able to see eye to eye, to dive deep into the ocean of their vision. To read. To learn. To judge. To understand.

Some pairs are so clear, yet they are blank. This only makes us feel like we are attempting to study historical from a paper without ink; all we see is the perpetual of white color, all we discover are the emptiness, and all we perceive are just those unpredictable events.

I have always thought that to walk into the garden was enough to know all of the flowers out there. But it is only possible to know their name, color, smell, and shape. I have no idea how do they live. What do they consume? What kind of bugs do they attract in? If they stay at wet or dry land? More sunlight or more shade? Sweet or bitter? Medicine or poison?

It is so common that the face is easy to identify, and eyes are hard to swim in. Chest out there can be seen, and heart is not always sharing its signal for us to feel. No surprise. That is what we have to learn. Once we decided to go through it, whether it is good or bad, we have to be ready for it.

Sometime, if we knew things in advance, we may lose interest or become to fear of it. For certain, it would definitely stop us too. And that when we really lose; we lose chance to see and feel what we may be proud of later. We may lose that chance which only happened once in a lifetime. We may lose the chance to know another favorite thing we don't aware of yet.

In history, there was not the collection of well done or good decisions. There were the mixed of rights and wrongs. And wasn't that how all the first founder had always done? To "Experience it".

Time

Time was totally slow when we were waiting for it, and it turned to completely fast when we craved for longer. Time was cheaper when we have it so much to waste, yet it became precious almost every second once we found we were holding a few left or going to lose it all very soon. Then we started to know that our tear could not extend the time, our dread was powerless to beg for even just a few seconds more, and it may be gone forever.

Have you ever been in this such as situation when you knew that you had less than 24 hours with someone else you were really into? You might find yourself checking out your watch almost every minute. And just like “Oh god! I’m running out of time. What have I done days before? I have not told him/her what is on my mind yet. I have not touch him/her even once. I wish I could have more time.” Looked into his/her face more frequently, knew that you were going to miss that face so much, and wondered why you didn’t do it earlier. Staring at the very soft hand nearby, and thinking about holding it once until part in the upcoming hours. Just once for the last time.

Suddenly, I came to intuit what Elio felt like when the six weeks that was provided was close to an end, when Oliver was almost gone. I perceived the not-okay-symptom that finally forced him to call I WANT, and he had to go for it. – Call Me by Your Name.

What were we waiting for those passed days? To being regret later? Why didn’t we speak out what we always want or wish to say? Why didn’t we ask for what we need during the time was countless? Why did we have to watch as it go without trying to express it even once?

Wasn’t it now when we felt like the time was speedy and no amount of our affordability could ever use to pay for?

The Connection

I hate human connection!

It was like when we just say “hi” the day before, and now it was time we had to say “goodbye”. In just a blink of an eye. It was when we feel like millions of butterflies were happily playing so hard in our stomach those few days ago, and then it was replaced by billions of bees instead. They seemed to try to get out of there, yet they could not, and they started to stink us with their sharp needles.

Sometime, I felt like I was so lucky that I did not have to be a real tour guide that I had to watch people come and go more often than the current situation, for emotional person like me was so easily broken. The little change in life could also made hole and left me empty for awhile or longer. It was like crushing by an unseen thing. We did not physically hurt, but mentally we did.

I had always wondered how did the tour guide feel when they had to say goodbye to those who they had spent so much times with for awhile. Or is it just me?

Once I had asked the tour leader during the trip, if she had ever felt tired of doing so. She said “No. Because I had met new people, and all of them brought me different feeling too.” Actually, it was right, but it was not what I was really asking. I just felt like it was a bad question that I had to shut my mouth up. The fact, I was wondering if she had ever felt tired of being left again, and all of them tended to leave at the same spot, in repeat.

Similarly, to the point where we were so okay walking alone for decades. Suddenly, people came up and joined our long-distance walk, and sooner or later we had to come back on the same way, yet we found no one there, just us. Now it became totally not okay! The atmosphere seems to be more quiet and scarier, yet the surrounding was all the same. The only thing that changed was the feeling of getting used to.

No! I do not think I really hate the connection. I love it. Maybe I hate when the bond goes broken. And I have no idea when it could be connected again. And if it would be the same.

Shameful

Feel like I have dig down too deep, although I had told myself not to do so for many times already. Now I have seen the skull there, and it scares me to death. I escaped with fear and struck the ground I had made not long ago. The upper layer fell down and left me pain. 

Shame on me!

Wrong Room

Have you ever experienced entering the wrong classroom? How did it feel like?

To accidentally attend in the wrong room when we were in school for the first time was often happened for our carelessness or confusion. It got us stung and embarrassed when we came to realize we actually did not belong there. Yet, later, it amused us for the silly mistaken we had done. Perhaps, the new friendship began there, the kind of extra ones. Although, we had to started at another one.

But, there were certain rooms where we were really set to be or happened to be there, suddenly turned out to be so wrong for us. Just for us. It made us hard to blend or even to just stepped in.

Like when we were in high school, where students were classified. I mean the room for good, normal, and bad students. We were separated and categorized base on our score on each subject. Felt like we were indirectly insulted if we happened to be at the bad one.

Funny thing is that the problem was not there, yet it was when we were the worst one and got like a lucky draw to the best room which did not fit our poor brain at all. Or maybe god wanted to make fun of us? Guess.

Felt so proud to walk in on the very first day? and later to only realize we already became a donkey over monkeys out there. Thought we could climb? Get over it! No one disrespected us, we offended ourselves. That was how we were taught, maybe.

And then, found our foot were heavier on the next day and after. We hesitated to go in, for our own security and comfort. Thought. We knew that we could be stepped on to death for real. Not by their foot, but our own thinking. The thinking that kept holding us on and pulled us back from going towards it sometimes.

Maybe, it was where we wanted to give up, and maybe we wanted to at least try it out. At least. To disappoint ourselves. To know whether the complication was the room, them, us, or the class.