Coming Out

December 05, 2022

Coming Out - the heavy truth is finally exposed

Being a homosexual is weird somehow, for it seems it is a must that we have to come out, to expose our own gender identity to certain people, whereas we have never heard or seen those heterosexual people do. It’s unfair, but this world has never been fair since the first place. The majority have always ruled the world, when minority has to live in fear and been constrained.

Whatever, in another angle, coming out is like a special day for people like us, when we expect to finally be able to be who we really are after our announcement. Thought we don’t have to stay in closet anymore. We don’t have to hide ourselves like we are those wild animals who could be killed or captured whenever they are out in public.

Yet, the things straight people could have never understood, we are taking risk for this; for choosing to be true to ourselves. We are facing rejection. Possibly, we could lose people we love, our parents. And horribly, some of us could have been locked in room alone for a period of time or forced getting cured, for they thought we are sick.

Anyway, to unable to live the life for who we really are is a loss, the loss of our identity and happiness. We are human. How can we live a life by instinct just like animals do? Nor are we a robot. We don’t need remote control. We have our own thoughts and decisions. We need to take this risk standing up for ourselves. That is why we need to come out. I’m not saying that all of us have to come out for our identities. Make sure if we are safe enough to do so, both place and time. We don’t need to come out if it harms our security.

I have made decision for so long, for when is suitable for coming out to my parents. I have never meant to hide them. I just feel like it sounds stupid to suddenly come up to my parents and told them “Mom/Dad, I love man.” Like I have said above, I have never seen any straight people doing this crazy thing before. But, for whatever reasons, I don’t want them waiting for my marriage which they keep asking for years till now. I don’t want them expect me for more than what I am.

I don’t wanna keep holding on my secret to my coffin. I don’t wanna see my parents waiting for something I’m sure it would never happen. I don’t wanna live a life full of lie. I don’t wanna avoid eyes contact when I talk about my feeling. I don’t wanna use word “They” to replace the person I call “He”. I don’t wanna tell my parents that he was just my friend when the fact he was someone special. I don’t wanna stay silent when my parents’ opinion go against people my type. I don’t wanna leave my closet just to standstill, but to fly away and free coming back...

Questions I got from my mom:

1. How do you love? (I think she indirectly referred to thing on bed.)

2. How do you have baby?

3. Why do you break up with your exes?

4. Aren’t you afraid you would get murdered? (I laughed at her question at the moment hahaha!)

Tonny: A Life Journey

 

An innocent life became a stranger to new environment overtime. A life that was abandoned again and again for his aggressive attitude. Tear dropped when a life came to realize he was unwanted for the second times at the age of four. He was handed from one person to another.

I could sense his dread and loneliness when he hid under the red hammock, a place he just saw for the first time. He was shaking and his eyes were checking on the glass doors. He seemed to expect his owner would come and pick him up soon, so he could be home. But he had never seen the one he waited for ever again.

Later, a drifting life learned to love and belong to his brand new atmosphere. He might not perceive the fact his new place and people were trying too. They tried to understand him, and get along with his aggressiveness. He might not intuit that those were the people who would never give up on him.

It looked like he started to enjoy his new life with his new owner for 6 years and 8 months now. They shared him their bed. They gave him toys and new clothes. They bathed him daily. And they always brought him along whenever they traveled.

Who could knows what's coming next? Yesterday could be a clear blue sky, and today it turns rainstorm. A happy and strong living creature you just saw a moment before could now their life were taken away forever, and nothing on this world could replace that missing spot.

But that is a journey of each life. We just can't pin the distance we aspire for. The good and bad just head straight to us from nowhere and without a warning. Whether you want it or not, when it comes, it will come.

May my beloved Tonny rest in peace. And if another life was real, may he be a nice human, a lucky one.

June 06, 2014: first met

February 25, 2021: last seen

The Mask

In order to look naughty and more like a bad person, performers tend to draw their eyebrows a little higher than their natural shape. And on some kind of traditional show, artists have to wear giant or devil masks so as to be identified as mean characters. At back stage, the bad and good guys put their masks off and have a good smile for each other.

In real life, thing opposes from the show. The harmful ones seem to love wearing a smiley and innocent face. They train to behave kindly and socialize. They paint their black-face white and their bronze to gold. They even act better than a real good one. But once their true face get exposed, the scene would go plot twist. They would rush to devastate everything just to be able to put their new mask back on.

Just like a tragedy in mid of 2020, it has indicated that ambition and greed were powerful enough to turn people into anything, or perhaps it just uncovered the truth which laid under their fake skin for decades. The thirst of wealth and fame had pulled an angel mask down and remained satan instead. The most trustful and respectful people in life could also switch sides from a kindhearted butterfly who only consumed nectar to a hungry worm who aggressively cut  the whole plant to death for its own stomach.

It was shocking and hard to believe at first, for a person who is going to own a coffin today or tomorrow still need so much of credits and properties that they become shameless and inhumanity in doing anything, even to sabotage their closest one just to own something they do not belong to. It was like a hard strike for the victim where they went stunned and unavoidable.

Would people really like to cultivate that well premeditation for almost a lifetime just for today accomplishments, or does the possible occasion lead them to be a proud scam who hide under an innocent layer?

witnessed this tragedy at middle of 2020

photo was taken on January 2019

the mask was made by Chin Ayuthhyea

write this on December 11, 2020

Travel Alone for First Time

Going abroad alone was scary, and it worried me the most. Because I did not speak English well enough and the place was new for me too, I was afraid I could not move farther or even just to reached the point I had set.

In mid of 2018, I had to travel to Indonesia, and that was my very first time traveling alone and that far, 3000 kilometers away from home. I had experienced a lot of things that I had never done or encountered before. It excited and gave me nerves at the same time.

I could not forget those moments when people were so kind and willing to help me when I was stuck and not knowing what to do next.

I remember once when my first flight stopped in Malaysia. The airport, KLIA2, was so big, and I was so dumb being unable to find a way to a place to stay even though people were trying to gave me direction. Luckily, I met a man who I believed he was a pilot (base on uniform). I asked him for direction, and he walked me to that accommodation.

Another time was when the plane landed in Makassar, Indonesia. I was keeping my backpack on the plane shelf, but someone pushed it deeper during they tried to get their belongings before they left. I was not so tall that I could not reach my backpack above anymore. It was out of reach! I watched people left one by one as I was waiting for a cabin crew to help me get my stuff, for they were way taller then me! Yet it seemed no one came my way or even to peeked at me. Then there was an Indian guy walking from far, and he smiled at me. I had not said anything yet, he just reached my bag and handed it to me. How nice he was!

Maybe I had seen and heard so much bad news about people that somehow it frightened me, yet there were really plenty of good people out there. Perhaps that positive incident I had bumped into that year would later encourage and push me to repeat that same activity in another time. Just sooner or later.

They Say

They say above sky, there is god

I only see them and costumes

Maybe it’s my individual thought

But sometime, there’s obviously the devil

They say speaking white, a kindhearted

I check what they bring here

A stainless heart doesn’t seem to come with

Is it dropped? Is it stolen?

They say my love is a sin

Their racist and hatred turn golden color

Mine’s wrong by design, theirs’ what it has always been

Perhaps they don’t know. That’s just an instinct

And rainbow is still shining whether they refuse to pin

Money

I used to work in an apartment at the middle of the city, as a receptionist. I received payment over $500 every month from each tenant is fine, for I knew they were rich. But when I have started to work here, a pharmacy in a rural area, received only $10 from people who earned very little  a day made me sick.

Their face expression when they heard the amount they had to pay and when they hand me money was secretly breaking my heart into pieces. Especially, when they brought all the money from their pocket out, and it still wasn’t enough for their fee. I honestly felt very uncomfortable in that situation.

Many times, I had tried to calculate it again and again because the amount they had to pay seemed higher than what I had expected just to make sure I was not mistaken. 

I couldn’t help anything beside watching all of these conditions happened in repeat. 

My Worst Childhood Memories

This article was written for my professor in year 1, semester 2, on topic "Childhood Memories"  on March 09, 2018.

Edit and Rewrite: December 21, 2019

When it comes to talking about memories in childhood, the worst thing I have never forgotten was I got bullied in primary school. Classmates made fun of me, for I was the smallest and weakest one in class. I got pushed, laughed at, and abused on most of the day. Sometimes, they had locked the classroom's door and kept me outside until my teacher came.

The young me was dumb and coward. No matter how often I got bullied, I had never reported to my teacher or even my parents. I just kept it all to myself. Many times, I had asked my dad to stop studying, but I was rejected. I really did not want to attend that class anymore, nor did I want to step into that school. I just felt like I did not have the courage to be there. I felt like I did not belong to there.

The last worst memory I had was when I was once in classroom alone with those four classmates who had always bullied me. I was reviewing lesson before class when four of them stood over my seat, and they were discussing on how to annoy me. I just tried to ignore them and focused on my book, for I knew I could not do anything while they were twice bigger than me.

One of them started to take my textbook and threw it away while the other were laughing. I was really angry because I though they could demolish my book which my parents worked so hard to get it for me. I stood up aggressively and talked to them, but the other three stopped me by squeezing both of my hand and body. And then, the another one picked his flip-flop up and hit my head. I did nothing, nor did I cry. I just told myself to be patient because that was not my time.

Sometime, I wished I could remember at least one of their face, so I would be able to revenge them in some occasion now. But I could not, for it was long ago. I do not even remember their names. Maybe gods are just being kind to me because they know if I had a chance to revenge them, thought this thing would not end up easily. I may be in jail or hospital somehow. 

Extra: But now is December 12, 2019, when I am writing this again, I realize I was writing this with anger last year. Yet, after reading a book by Xandia Ooi, Be Happy, Always, I realize I am not that person anymore. Because revenge them only turns me to be the same person like them, the kind of people I wish to never be. And all I want is just to be at peace. I choose to let go, and be happy.

thank you Xandia, and your BHA...

Waiting is Heartbreaking

I have two tiny puppies, Chihuahua. The bigger one is male, and the smaller one is female. They have become part of my family for years that I'm so used to having them waiting for my return every day, after work.

Everything went in repeat; saying goodbye to them every morning and hello to them every evening become my favorite habit.

Especially, the smaller one, she followed me like a shadow. She went everywhere I was. She slept nearby me every night. She waited next to me when I took a nap, and she sat face to window when I was home late.

But 2020 comes, thing changes. I have to leave home to another province for awhile, maybe for 6 months or longer. I have to help my grandma's work there that I cannot reject.

Last morning in Phnom Penh, It was like she knew I was leaving, for I had a few packages. She followed me to ground floor which she normally refused to go in the morning because she knew I went to work. The way she ran after me on that day got tear in my eyes. I had to try to think about other things else to get over her for a while, otherwise I would cry for sure.

It's terrible to think of someone is waiting for my return, yet this time it takes longer than usual. It's even more horrible to think they have no idea how long that longer will take. Hours? Days? Week? Months? They have no clue at all.

What if they don't understand and they think they are abandoned and not loved anymore? To think of that, I feel broken already. I'm going to miss them so much.

Being Shorter Than People My Age

People often tell me that I should not be happy, for I am shorter than people my ages. Even some time, my relatives say the same thing. And sometimes, they even recommended me to take some medicine, but I refused to.

Honestly, I don't feel bad about my height at all, although their words sometimes go against me. Or it seems they are making fun of me. Or being too much. And I understand that some people just make a joke with no bad intentions, and I don't mind that too.

But why being shorter than people my age is a matter? Nah, I'm not that too short to be worried about it. Yet, I feel like I'm more satisfied with what I'm born with, with what I am right now.

Maybe it's because I love higher guy. Then being this height would be easier for me to look for taller one. And if I'm so tall already, how and where do I get another taller one?

Perhaps, I love the feeling of being cared or protected. Like when they help me getting stuffs on shelf which I'm out of reach, when they don't mind helping me opening the jar because I'm smaller, when they let me go first, or help me carrying my stuffs.

And also, being this small size makes me feel like I'm a lot younger. For many times, younger people called me the way they called people their age, and got surprised whenever I told them my actual age. They even asked for ID card to verify.

For whatever reason, being shorter is not ashamed, it would be ashamed if you are unable to love your own skin, and try to change it for other pair of eyes. Be you!

Box of Matches

This article was written for my professor in year 1, semester 2, on topic "Childhood Memories"  on March 09, 2018.
Edit and Rewrite: November 19, 2019

When I was about 10, I was so playful, especially with matches. I felt like it was so amazing. It could burn everything in a blink of eyes. It had attractive color and beautiful light. I was just like the only magic in universe that I could hold on my hand. Also, it was cheap at that year, cost KHR100 per box. 

Since I had gotten the matches in my hand, I just never went anywhere without it. I had learned to light it and burn garbage around my house. Sometime I picked up small pieces of woods, built them up like a house and burnt them away. That matches brought me the happy moment with my childhood friends.

Remember once when I and my friend just got a new box of matches, we played in forest next to my house. We burnt garbage like usual until it was time for lunch. We had to leave there, but we did not forget to shut down our flame. As I walked away from there, I saw my friend lighted up his match and threw it to grass field which was half green half dry. And we all went for lunch. After lunch, I came there again. I was shocked because the field turned to black which was the cause of being burnt. My neighbor who helped to stop fire there when I was not around came up and blame me, for my friend told them I did it. So, I had to explain them step by step until they believed me. Or maybe they just did not want it further.

A few weeks after, I got another box of matches. And when I walked pass the same forest, I did the same thing, the way my friend had done the day before. I made fire on top of my match and threw it into a very dry grass. Suddenly, it reminded me of my last worst event, so I went close to the match and stepped on it to make sure the flame was gone. But not! I made the same mistake. This time was even worse. It burnt in larger area. Luckily that the same neighbor was still there and helped out on time again. This time, no one blamed on me because no one knew I was the one who did it.

The mistake in that year taught me a very good lesson; to be careful, to never play with fire, and to be more responsible for what I have done. Whenever I saw kid played with matches, I always advised them to never be involve with it or be more careful with flame they may make up. 

From I Hate Cat to I Like Cat

I used to hate cat so much, for my neighbor's cats kept digging my flower pots and caused my plants to death for many times. They had also left their poops there for me to smell and collect it daily, like they intended to.

So, it became habit for me to chased and scared them out whenever I saw them. Later, I felt like I was recognized well by those poor cats! They quickly ran away just to see me approached from far. I remember once a cat was running so fast and lost control, it fell down from my roof to ground. No surprise, I laughed for weeks about this.

But things have changed when those old cats disappeared, and their new generations come to replace. They were so skinny, and we could easily saw their bones which hid under their skin. It pointed out the lack of food and care by their owner.

My mom had started sharing my puppies' food for them every morning and evening. Week later, we were really surprised waking up saw two of them were waiting for my mom at our front door. They had also meowed at my mom through our glass door. It was adorable that way!

Not only they act that innocent to my mom, they have also turned to be more like friends to me. They don't run away anymore, yet they dare to amble straight to me. They had also leaned and meowed at me, the one who scared them out the whole year.

Now I find myself checking them out every morning, and feel so excited seeing them at my door, and being curious if they happened not to show up on time. I have also fed them sometime when my mom was busy. I start to feel so good with them.

The cats are still pooping and digging my flower pots sometime, but I notice I wasn't angry at them like I used to. I just chose to bury it to the bottom of my pot and stuck some old chopsticks into the land so as to prevent them from excavating my pot instead of trying to scare them again. Maybe I'm afraid those cats won't come around anymore.

I come to realize I have been influenced by my mom. Her kindhearted towards those cats has affected me day by day, including how those two siblings change their respond to my approach, I eventually become to feel much better with cats then before.

Note: This change indicates that if we linger to anything long enough, sooner or later, less or more, we will be impacted by them. So, choose to surround positivity or negativity is always our own choice. And that choice will form the future us.