Time

Time was totally slow when we were waiting for it, and it turned to completely fast when we craved for longer. Time was cheaper when we have it so much to waste, yet it became precious almost every second once we found we were holding a few left or going to lose it all very soon. Then we started to know that our tear could not extend the time, our dread was powerless to beg for even just a few seconds more, and it may be gone forever.

Have you ever been in this such as situation when you knew that you had less than 24 hours with someone else you were really into? You might find yourself checking out your watch almost every minute. And just like “Oh god! I’m running out of time. What have I done days before? I have not told him/her what is on my mind yet. I have not touch him/her even once. I wish I could have more time.” Looked into his/her face more frequently, knew that you were going to miss that face so much, and wondered why you didn’t do it earlier. Staring at the very soft hand nearby, and thinking about holding it once until part in the upcoming hours. Just once for the last time.

Suddenly, I came to intuit what Elio felt like when the six weeks that was provided was close to an end, when Oliver was almost gone. I perceived the not-okay-symptom that finally forced him to call I WANT, and he had to go for it. – Call Me by Your Name.

What were we waiting for those passed days? To being regret later? Why didn’t we speak out what we always want or wish to say? Why didn’t we ask for what we need during the time was countless? Why did we have to watch as it go without trying to express it even once?

Wasn’t it now when we felt like the time was speedy and no amount of our affordability could ever use to pay for?

Wish

Date: June 18, 2019

Edit: July 11, 2019

If there was a genie from Aladdin movie float right in front of you, what would you ask for?

When people ask what we wish for, automatically and carelessly, most of the answers are more likely to be WEALTHY. But when we come to being able to pick less or just one, the differences are not that hard to state. And the category for them may be increased as well.

Some may crave for higher position in work field or in someone’s life. The other may covet for a life of another, for they thought it would be better or a lot easier. There may also those who only wish for enough food, healthy, or just home to stay. And while some people are begging to the god for just to be happy.

Oftentimes, in real situation, we do not really wish for wealth, we work for it. We insist for what we do not have, never for what we can possibly earn later.

The opposite desires will never make one another sounds stupid or weird, even though it can be useless for a group of or certain people.

Do not be afraid to have big dream. Do not feel ashamed to have the small one. Because we are the only one who know exactly what we truly need for our life. We are the only person who know the right and wrong for our own passion. 

The Connection

I hate human connection!

It was like when we just say “hi” the day before, and now it was time we had to say “goodbye”. In just a blink of an eye. It was when we feel like millions of butterflies were happily playing so hard in our stomach those few days ago, and then it was replaced by billions of bees instead. They seemed to try to get out of there, yet they could not, and they started to stink us with their sharp needles.

Sometime, I felt like I was so lucky that I did not have to be a real tour guide that I had to watch people come and go more often than the current situation, for emotional person like me was so easily broken. The little change in life could also made hole and left me empty for awhile or longer. It was like crushing by an unseen thing. We did not physically hurt, but mentally we did.

I had always wondered how did the tour guide feel when they had to say goodbye to those who they had spent so much times with for awhile. Or is it just me?

Once I had asked the tour leader during the trip, if she had ever felt tired of doing so. She said “No. Because I had met new people, and all of them brought me different feeling too.” Actually, it was right, but it was not what I was really asking. I just felt like it was a bad question that I had to shut my mouth up. The fact, I was wondering if she had ever felt tired of being left again, and all of them tended to leave at the same spot, in repeat.

Similarly, to the point where we were so okay walking alone for decades. Suddenly, people came up and joined our long-distance walk, and sooner or later we had to come back on the same way, yet we found no one there, just us. Now it became totally not okay! The atmosphere seems to be more quiet and scarier, yet the surrounding was all the same. The only thing that changed was the feeling of getting used to.

No! I do not think I really hate the connection. I love it. Maybe I hate when the bond goes broken. And I have no idea when it could be connected again. And if it would be the same.