Feeling Down

While we are playing Warcraft or Mobile Legends, we would need to escape for a little while when we are short of blood. And if we force to keep going, our character is going to die for real.

In our life, there are certain events work in parallel. Likewise our emotion, sometimes it goes down really quick, where it does not feel the courage at all. For maybe it has been through too many battles lately.

We should know that it is when it needs a break. Give it time. Let ourselves maintain and earn back the energy that only time could fill up that missing part.

Keep pretending like everything is okay when it is not will not help any better, yet it backfires on the inside of us where it leaves us feeling broken even more. Soon or later, we are going to fall down.

It is okay to take a rest when we are exhausted. Sometime, we also need to hide ourselves behind our comfort wall so as to protect ourselves from any possible injuries. Do not feel guilty for it. Do not constraint ourselves on certain rules we may had set. It is always okay to break some of them sometimes. Do not feel bad to take another step when our energy comes back. Continue when we are ready.

Rainy Day

Hiding myself from rain in the building is boring. Waiting for the droplets disappear is like waiting for new season to come. Especially, it is really annoying when I have an appointment or to go somewhere urgent, yet I come to stuck in a place instead.

Except on that wet day, water from sky becomes more beautiful when it helps me getting chance to stay with certain people for a little longer. It is a pleasant when the sky seems to give me reason to linger a little more. That only question me if god is standing by my side. For this moment. For god knows my intention.

Wasn't I waiting for when the sky go clear so as to continue? to leave the building? Yet why does it seem I am disappointed when I know now I can finally go? I wonder if I wanted to reach the place anymore or just to be here? Maybe here with that person who I ever want conversations with. I want to know everything about him.

I am glad, at least he had shared me certain information of him which I know I could never find them on his Facebook or Instagram account. Or even on his Blog. I was secretly wish for more of this kind of occasion where I could learn more about him.

But who knows if he felt the same or not...

Relationship Status

Relationship Status is just a word or compound words. We use them to describe how two or more people would like to be called or identified together. Good or not good, we are the one who give the definition to our own status.

Some people call each other "Best Friend" just to show how close they are, yet they come to talk bad behind each other's back. Being jealous when one is getting better than one. Secretly attack the one they usually call bestie somehow.

Some still call one another "Husband or Wife", but they do not love each other anymore. They cheat their partner and make love with new people.

Some are in relationship, not with just one person, but with many people. They love having fun rather than having a serious one.

Some couple are not married, but they live and have child together. And they love each other so much.

Some consider themselves and their partner as friend, yet they are more then what anyone could ever imagine. They do not say I Love You, they do not call each other boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, but they kiss. They sleep with each other, but they belong to no one.

Some relationship do not need to explain to or get verified from the whole world. We just need to keep it for ourselves. Just to be able to be aware of where we are, what we are doing, and what we had done is enough.

There are many types of relationship. And no one could ever understand it better than the ones who are working on it. It is really not our duty that we have to judge, to describe, to measure, or to give mark for anyone's personal life.

Hello, Love, Goodbye

Hello, Love, Goodbye - Philippine romance / 2019

We may not know until we once step in this path by our own. To fall in love with a person we know exactly he/she is going to leave. And yet we still insist to struggle. We know we can not change the fact the person is not going to stay, so to maintain that quality time we are holding as much as possible and make it the best as we can is the only choice we have and crave for. Make sure we are not wasting it even a second.

Tell you what, counting down the time at this circumstance is like waiting for when someone come up just to rip our heart to pieces. And all we do is to be willing to watch ours are being torn to part. And keep reminding ourselves "I can match those broken pieces and glue it after. Sooner or later, it is going to be recovered."

Whatever, which encounters are not going to end up saying goodbye? It is just in a short period or longer. Return or never. Feeling attached or detached.

Some people walk pass our line just to say hello and goodbye. Some cross ours and stick around for a period of time, build memories for us to remember, and leave.

There is also a quote say "Nothing is last forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what's between hello and goodbye." - Unknown

Yes! Do not let the time rush us to do what we wish to do. Do not let our hesitation build up an empty room for us. Be brave enough to hold the brush and paint the color we covet for. When the time is ours, grab and squeeze it tight. Worth and appreciate every moment. Spread love, because hate is not worth remembering. Let LOVE stay between our HELLO and GOODBYE.

Memories Haunt

Is this called MEMORIES HAUNT?

To feel like our heart is tossed into the air whenever the person who left long ago suddenly appeared in our head. Seemingly, it was just happened a few days or minutes before, although it took place for ages.

To feel like we are losing our breath to realize that we are not going to see them again. This sounds dramatic, yet it was exactly occurred to us, when we could hardly breath because of the happy moment in the past kept drifting over nonstop. And we realize that we do not have the power to bring it up again.

To dream about their returning, and only to disappoint ourselves when we wake up knowing it was not truly happening. It kept waking us up many times a night, almost we could not sleep. It is definitely awkward! They killed our mood in day time is not enough, so they come up and haunt us in our dream too. For we can feel the agony twice.

To feel sad and pain when we go to place we used to be together with them, and now they were absent. We may linger to the place, for we see their picture is moving in front of us. The way they dress, walk, and smile. And the way we gazed at them like they were the only object there.

To keep hearing their phrases or voice, and sounds like it is new in our hear. We also remember how they pronounce words almost we can repeat those lines out in the same accent. Sometime, we even answered the call in our head out loud. And to only aware we were alone with ourselves now.

And if these are not called haunting, I do not know what haunting is, when their visiting scare us harder than ghost does.

Best Time in a Relationship

"The most wonderful time of a relationship is before it really happens." - Yi Shen / You Are The Apple Of My Eye - Taiwanese romance film / 2011 

It is not because of the both sides were trying to be good for each other at the moment, but it is because of the less expectation in each of them towards one another at that time.

Before two people were really on date; non of them would be mad not getting responded fast or short. No one would be frustrated for not being understood. It is fine not to talk or see each other daily. It is okay if one of them hang out and have fun with another. It is normal to make decision without informing or discussing with the another side.

But once two people crossed that hidden line into the relationship zone, although they knew the main causes, they just could hardly control them. They tend to assume that it is the must that their partner has to intuit their thought and noticed every little things which mess their relationship in detail. 

And the relationship often go to an end at this point where two people choose not to open up and clear the matters together by expecting the partner to feel their insecurities, and they end up letting the trauma from misunderstanding tear them to part.

They become to forget the effort they made since the first place just to be together.

Human Touch

The touch from people we love is warm and exciting, and it is like an electricity shock and cause pain sometime. The touch is also part of human connection, the communication without word, but we seem to be able to perceive the message well enough. To touch or to get touched, both are the best the feeling in the world, yet it is a sorrow if we are unable to, do not have a chance for, or become to lost the opportunity.

Do you remember that feeling when you touched him or her for the first time, like a greet? Did you hear the thud your heart made during the both side of skins had met? I know I was not the only one who felt that excitement of how the warm feeling ran through our hand, soon they reached our heart and made it moved non-stop, and the dread of the beat in our chest being heard came along.

That same touch can possibly lead to the ache as well. It comes from being nervous. For instance, when Oliver put his arm around Elio and Did a gently squeeze on Elio's shoulder for the kind of friendly touch or massage. But Elio had to pull himself out of Oliver's arm, for the pain, but it was not really a pain, yet it was a pain of excitement and nerve. The sore which caused by the virgin skin was being touched for the first time. – Call Me By Your Name. Similarly, I once got touched from a person I loved, on my thigh when I was wearing short, I was shocked at the moment and instinctively pushed his hand away immediately. It was not I rejected him, but it was a resist without thought.

The touch can also be a sorrow. Oftentimes, when the intense is constrained. Especially, when the both sides crave for it from each other so much, yet the situation does not allow. And what surprise us as always for this circumstance is that they would sacrifice their most values, even though it is just for once. For example, in Five Feet Apart, Stella and Will risked their life just to be closer to each other. In Everything Everything, Maddy left her comfort zone and put her life in danger just to be once with Olly. And back in an old day, I remember I pushed myself to go through my phobia with tear on my cheeks just to visit a person. To see him and to be able to touch his hand again.

Because only when we touch him or her, we could feel the agony from missing someone is being healed.  Because only when we got touched back, we then realize that if they are really there for us or not anymore.

I Know Myself

To touch the fire would make my fingers burning. To stare at the bright bulb would be a devastation of my sight. To linger close to the lamp would turn my skin to the hue of that giving glow. But I have always been so stubborn and foolishly done all these things sometimes, repeatedly like I have never learnt. Like I have never been cracked.

To walk pass the police line while they are hanging, it has never been in my head. To get into someone's house without invitation, the thing I could never make it occur. To stand on my tiptoes or any objects to make myself look taller is something out of my desire. To aggressively cross the road when the traffic light goes red, that would never be in my though too. So no need to be worried about it. I am not going to cut the queue in order to be at front line although I do not like waiting.

I have always been sufficiently advised; to never lean on someone, take credit on work I do not belong to, break other people's wall, exaggerate things, fake being someone else, steal other people's happiness, or even to earn benefit from relationship. And I have also set a very strict rules for myself on how to reciprocate the other.

Whatever, I am just a human being, too, like you and everyone else. I made mistakes. Sometime it was unintentionally done, and sometime I did not aware of it. But I am sure I have never premeditated them out. If you see it, and you do not let me know, and you expect me to intuit what I do not know since the first place by shouting out inside yourself. How is it possible? How can I read your mind?

I may have crossed my line and walk out of my circle sometime, but I have never forgotten to remind myself to never attempt to demolish the other people's belongings. I have always known that, inside me.

Our Nature

Date: March 23, 2019

Edit: August 06, 2019

When you heard the word NATURE, what come up to your mind? For certain, pictures of forest and green plants will be appeared in your head. But when it come to a topic of sexual orientation, NATURE seems to be defined to two different meanings which are opposed to each other.

Well, straight people said that being homosexual was one of a premeditated crime in order to lead human to extinction. To love the same sex was way out of the law of nature. the kind of that should be cut off.

I often left comments; told them that crimes mostly happened from discrimination against one another, and nature is anything which exist by themselves and made changed by no one. And it was not like the feeling of love can be taught or built. It just live inside us since we were born, and eventually we figured it out more and more as we grow up. Nature is not defined based on the act of majority.

However, just one of your finger is longer than the rest, it does not mean to be cut to the same level, but to be treated the same. Without one of them, it will be incomplete.

Why do we tend to be confused between FACT and OPINION toward NATURE?

Looking For The Eyes

It is not that hard to describe how a person or thing looks like when we once face to face, yet it seems we need so much effort to be able to see eye to eye, to dive deep into the ocean of their vision. To read. To learn. To judge. To understand.

Some pairs are so clear, yet they are blank. This only makes us feel like we are attempting to study historical from a paper without ink; all we see is the perpetual of white color, all we discover are the emptiness, and all we perceive are just those unpredictable events.

I have always thought that to walk into the garden was enough to know all of the flowers out there. But it is only possible to know their name, color, smell, and shape. I have no idea how do they live. What do they consume? What kind of bugs do they attract in? If they stay at wet or dry land? More sunlight or more shade? Sweet or bitter? Medicine or poison?

It is so common that the face is easy to identify, and eyes are hard to swim in. Chest out there can be seen, and heart is not always sharing its signal for us to feel. No surprise. That is what we have to learn. Once we decided to go through it, whether it is good or bad, we have to be ready for it.

Sometime, if we knew things in advance, we may lose interest or become to fear of it. For certain, it would definitely stop us too. And that when we really lose; we lose chance to see and feel what we may be proud of later. We may lose that chance which only happened once in a lifetime. We may lose the chance to know another favorite thing we don't aware of yet.

In history, there was not the collection of well done or good decisions. There were the mixed of rights and wrongs. And wasn't that how all the first founder had always done? To "Experience it".

Time

Time was totally slow when we were waiting for it, and it turned to completely fast when we craved for longer. Time was cheaper when we have it so much to waste, yet it became precious almost every second once we found we were holding a few left or going to lose it all very soon. Then we started to know that our tear could not extend the time, our dread was powerless to beg for even just a few seconds more, and it may be gone forever.

Have you ever been in this such as situation when you knew that you had less than 24 hours with someone else you were really into? You might find yourself checking out your watch almost every minute. And just like “Oh god! I’m running out of time. What have I done days before? I have not told him/her what is on my mind yet. I have not touch him/her even once. I wish I could have more time.” Looked into his/her face more frequently, knew that you were going to miss that face so much, and wondered why you didn’t do it earlier. Staring at the very soft hand nearby, and thinking about holding it once until part in the upcoming hours. Just once for the last time.

Suddenly, I came to intuit what Elio felt like when the six weeks that was provided was close to an end, when Oliver was almost gone. I perceived the not-okay-symptom that finally forced him to call I WANT, and he had to go for it. – Call Me by Your Name.

What were we waiting for those passed days? To being regret later? Why didn’t we speak out what we always want or wish to say? Why didn’t we ask for what we need during the time was countless? Why did we have to watch as it go without trying to express it even once?

Wasn’t it now when we felt like the time was speedy and no amount of our affordability could ever use to pay for?

Wish

Date: June 18, 2019

Edit: July 11, 2019

If there was a genie from Aladdin movie float right in front of you, what would you ask for?

When people ask what we wish for, automatically and carelessly, most of the answers are more likely to be WEALTHY. But when we come to being able to pick less or just one, the differences are not that hard to state. And the category for them may be increased as well.

Some may crave for higher position in work field or in someone’s life. The other may covet for a life of another, for they thought it would be better or a lot easier. There may also those who only wish for enough food, healthy, or just home to stay. And while some people are begging to the god for just to be happy.

Oftentimes, in real situation, we do not really wish for wealth, we work for it. We insist for what we do not have, never for what we can possibly earn later.

The opposite desires will never make one another sounds stupid or weird, even though it can be useless for a group of or certain people.

Do not be afraid to have big dream. Do not feel ashamed to have the small one. Because we are the only one who know exactly what we truly need for our life. We are the only person who know the right and wrong for our own passion. 

The Connection

I hate human connection!

It was like when we just say “hi” the day before, and now it was time we had to say “goodbye”. In just a blink of an eye. It was when we feel like millions of butterflies were happily playing so hard in our stomach those few days ago, and then it was replaced by billions of bees instead. They seemed to try to get out of there, yet they could not, and they started to stink us with their sharp needles.

Sometime, I felt like I was so lucky that I did not have to be a real tour guide that I had to watch people come and go more often than the current situation, for emotional person like me was so easily broken. The little change in life could also made hole and left me empty for awhile or longer. It was like crushing by an unseen thing. We did not physically hurt, but mentally we did.

I had always wondered how did the tour guide feel when they had to say goodbye to those who they had spent so much times with for awhile. Or is it just me?

Once I had asked the tour leader during the trip, if she had ever felt tired of doing so. She said “No. Because I had met new people, and all of them brought me different feeling too.” Actually, it was right, but it was not what I was really asking. I just felt like it was a bad question that I had to shut my mouth up. The fact, I was wondering if she had ever felt tired of being left again, and all of them tended to leave at the same spot, in repeat.

Similarly, to the point where we were so okay walking alone for decades. Suddenly, people came up and joined our long-distance walk, and sooner or later we had to come back on the same way, yet we found no one there, just us. Now it became totally not okay! The atmosphere seems to be more quiet and scarier, yet the surrounding was all the same. The only thing that changed was the feeling of getting used to.

No! I do not think I really hate the connection. I love it. Maybe I hate when the bond goes broken. And I have no idea when it could be connected again. And if it would be the same.

Illogical, yet Common

When there is news about two same sex couple decided to be together, there are always those who come up to cheer them and discourage them at the same time.

It is kind of great thing that certain people decided to understand and willing to learn about the other opinion. It is also okay for people to disagree with things they do not agree with somehow. Yet it comes to surprise me when people choose to directly and indirectly insult the other because they have different way of thinking. And what amaze me the most is there are people who join that disrespectful comment like it is a usual thing.

Many weeks before, I saw a few straight people congratulated for the Legalize Gay Marriage in Taiwan.

“I’m straight. I have children, yet I support them. Love is Love.” Said a man which remain profile picture with his family; wife, son, and daughter. “I don’t mind if they are straight or gay, as long as they love each other.” Said a mother.   

They got so many Like and Heart Reactions, yet there were many Angry Reactions and offensive comments too.

“Go marry a guy to show your support then.” Said by many to the married guy above. “let your boy marry a man to prove it.” Added the other.

But why?

It sounded unreasonable and only made them look like a fool to said so; to tell a straight guy to marry a guy. Why should he be told what to do? So why should he marry a guy when he actually loves a woman. Why should he rule his son to marry a man as he grows up when we have no idea whether he love a girl or boy?

Guess they only live their life with those instinctive opinions, follow the old path, and they tend to be a bossy who love to constrained the other.

We all know it, right? We don’t need to be a dog to go against those who eat dog meat. We don’t have to be disabled to support people with disabilities. We don’t have to be a woman to stand for women rights. And we don’t need to be god to follow their path too.

Haven’t they known that they also don’t need to be one to support those who love the same sex. All they need is just humanity and be willing to open their heart to accept the other truth.

The majority does not mean the truth. What we have never seen does not mean it has never been happened. Learn about it before you have to judge blindly. 

Love Signal

It is natural to look for partner as we grow up. And to found them, we cannot just pick up from somewhere on the road or buy them one in the market. There are exactly arts of attraction we need to express.

For example, when male peacocks want to attract female, they expand their eye-spotted tail. Elephants flap their ears and keep them wide open. Frogs and crickets sing. Pufferfishes make circle pattern. And bowerbirds build and decorate home to draw their mate.

Differently, human is the only special species on earth. We do not instinctively do the same thing. We have our own unique ways to approach ours or pull them in with our elaborate expressions, both words and actions, and each one does it in different ways. Maybe this is why humans ourselves tend not to be able to understand those secret complex signals somewhat, even though it is from our own species.

It would be a lot easier and time saving if we just go straight and confess what on our mind, yet humans seem to love playing puzzle. We go round and round in a big circle. Sometimes we even express it in the opposite way, and we expect the other side would be aware of it. When it does not go our way, we become frustrated and disappointed. But how can we consider someone to understand what they do not understand? And try to assume the meaning of it by our own thoughts.

However, there is still an accurate way to show our love to get the completely right answer, although it can be positive or negative, is to speak our mind out, and make sure it is the exact words and in a polite tone with respect.

Remember, no one is going to wait for our unpredictable decision or feeling. So, there is no reason to make it months or years while we surely know what we really crave for. Take the step first if we truly worth the person.

Top or Bottom?

Date: March 17, 2019

Edit: May 31, 2019

Most of people may have already known that Top refers to the guy who love the same sex, but it is specific for the guy who is stronger and manly in the way they dress or behave. Unlikely, the Bottom refers to the weaker gay guy who is likely to behave as a girl. In accurate word, the Top plays as a man, and Bottom plays as a woman.

In Dating App, most of people tend to start a conversation with question “Top or Bottom?”. Curt and unworthy opening.

How do you feel to be asked those such as question?

The majority found this is usual to ask or be asked before they have to go for further conversation. They may think it is a waste of time to get to know people they have never plan for. And they end the chat immediately when they come to know the out of expected answer. Without word.

But have you ever thought that this type of question is really rude, and it should have never been asked at all? It is like they are asking for the position of sex, the how we would like to be in bed. Is it that necessary? It is suitable? Is it really okay to ask people you have just known or at the beginning of the talk?

We, LGBT, have always said “Love knows no gender. Love has no border.” So why does it seem so important to know the position of sex before we have to know someone new? Why can’t we just try to learn about each other first? Or can’t we just start a conversation in a dating app without the word SEX in our head?

Have you ever thought that the question of Top or Bottom is to ask for sex partner instead of a life partner?

Actually, when it come to love, the position of sex is not that really matter for those who love each other as long as they could get along. I believe that if two people really love each other, one would definitely be willing to fulfill one another’s need.

Have you forgotten? We don’t even care if they have the same sex as ours, so why does the position matter?

Shameful

Feel like I have dig down too deep, although I had told myself not to do so for many times already. Now I have seen the skull there, and it scares me to death. I escaped with fear and struck the ground I had made not long ago. The upper layer fell down and left me pain. 

Shame on me!

Should we be controled over our belief?

Religion is one of the most powerful rule in all era. They rooted deeply in head and heart of those who have faith in them. Mostly, religion guides their followers to the better standards of life, to live peacefully and harmlessly.

Most religious follow the theory well. They treated people the way they wanted to be treated. They are kind. They work on their own happiness, and they leave no one pain. They watch out their own actions and words carefully. And they get along well with people.

However, there are still those people who use religion to fulfill their own need and power. They fake religious so as to earn respect and property. Some use it in order to win an argument. Some take that chance to lead and constraint the other who are powerless in the name of love, care, and maintain. Sometime they even cut off the other people’s freedom of belief, and force them to believe what they do

Likewise, when the majority of one nation have faith in a specific religion, the other tend to or instinctively do the same, otherwise that minority will get punished or be insulted by the bigger group. Said they are xenophile, evil, or lost. Additionally, in Cambodia, if we come to disagree with their point of view or could not pick to stand at a side of any religion, we could be easily called as a Tamil which they mostly use to insult people. It refers to those who are cruel, rude, and atheistic. They even said this type of person will never be Rest In Peace after death.

I have ever wondered which religion they believe and which theory they follow taught them to control, to judge, and to offend the other just for they could not believe what they do not believe.

Wrong Room

Have you ever experienced entering the wrong classroom? How did it feel like?

To accidentally attend in the wrong room when we were in school for the first time was often happened for our carelessness or confusion. It got us stung and embarrassed when we came to realize we actually did not belong there. Yet, later, it amused us for the silly mistaken we had done. Perhaps, the new friendship began there, the kind of extra ones. Although, we had to started at another one.

But, there were certain rooms where we were really set to be or happened to be there, suddenly turned out to be so wrong for us. Just for us. It made us hard to blend or even to just stepped in.

Like when we were in high school, where students were classified. I mean the room for good, normal, and bad students. We were separated and categorized base on our score on each subject. Felt like we were indirectly insulted if we happened to be at the bad one.

Funny thing is that the problem was not there, yet it was when we were the worst one and got like a lucky draw to the best room which did not fit our poor brain at all. Or maybe god wanted to make fun of us? Guess.

Felt so proud to walk in on the very first day? and later to only realize we already became a donkey over monkeys out there. Thought we could climb? Get over it! No one disrespected us, we offended ourselves. That was how we were taught, maybe.

And then, found our foot were heavier on the next day and after. We hesitated to go in, for our own security and comfort. Thought. We knew that we could be stepped on to death for real. Not by their foot, but our own thinking. The thinking that kept holding us on and pulled us back from going towards it sometimes.

Maybe, it was where we wanted to give up, and maybe we wanted to at least try it out. At least. To disappoint ourselves. To know whether the complication was the room, them, us, or the class.