Waiting is Heartbreaking

I have two tiny puppies, Chihuahua. The bigger one is male, and the smaller one is female. They have become part of my family for years that I'm so used to having them waiting for my return every day, after work.

Everything went in repeat; saying goodbye to them every morning and hello to them every evening become my favorite habit.

Especially, the smaller one, she followed me like a shadow. She went everywhere I was. She slept nearby me every night. She waited next to me when I took a nap, and she sat face to window when I was home late.

But 2020 comes, thing changes. I have to leave home to another province for awhile, maybe for 6 months or longer. I have to help my grandma's work there that I cannot reject.

Last morning in Phnom Penh, It was like she knew I was leaving, for I had a few packages. She followed me to ground floor which she normally refused to go in the morning because she knew I went to work. The way she ran after me on that day got tear in my eyes. I had to try to think about other things else to get over her for a while, otherwise I would cry for sure.

It's terrible to think of someone is waiting for my return, yet this time it takes longer than usual. It's even more horrible to think they have no idea how long that longer will take. Hours? Days? Week? Months? They have no clue at all.

What if they don't understand and they think they are abandoned and not loved anymore? To think of that, I feel broken already. I'm going to miss them so much.

Being Shorter Than People My Age

People often tell me that I should not be happy, for I am shorter than people my ages. Even some time, my relatives say the same thing. And sometimes, they even recommended me to take some medicine, but I refused to.

Honestly, I don't feel bad about my height at all, although their words sometimes go against me. Or it seems they are making fun of me. Or being too much. And I understand that some people just make a joke with no bad intentions, and I don't mind that too.

But why being shorter than people my age is a matter? Nah, I'm not that too short to be worried about it. Yet, I feel like I'm more satisfied with what I'm born with, with what I am right now.

Maybe it's because I love higher guy. Then being this height would be easier for me to look for taller one. And if I'm so tall already, how and where do I get another taller one?

Perhaps, I love the feeling of being cared or protected. Like when they help me getting stuffs on shelf which I'm out of reach, when they don't mind helping me opening the jar because I'm smaller, when they let me go first, or help me carrying my stuffs.

And also, being this small size makes me feel like I'm a lot younger. For many times, younger people called me the way they called people their age, and got surprised whenever I told them my actual age. They even asked for ID card to verify.

For whatever reason, being shorter is not ashamed, it would be ashamed if you are unable to love your own skin, and try to change it for other pair of eyes. Be you!

Box of Matches

This article was written for my professor in year 1, semester 2, on topic "Childhood Memories"  on March 09, 2018.
Edit and Rewrite: November 19, 2019

When I was about 10, I was so playful, especially with matches. I felt like it was so amazing. It could burn everything in a blink of eyes. It had attractive color and beautiful light. I was just like the only magic in universe that I could hold on my hand. Also, it was cheap at that year, cost KHR100 per box. 

Since I had gotten the matches in my hand, I just never went anywhere without it. I had learned to light it and burn garbage around my house. Sometime I picked up small pieces of woods, built them up like a house and burnt them away. That matches brought me the happy moment with my childhood friends.

Remember once when I and my friend just got a new box of matches, we played in forest next to my house. We burnt garbage like usual until it was time for lunch. We had to leave there, but we did not forget to shut down our flame. As I walked away from there, I saw my friend lighted up his match and threw it to grass field which was half green half dry. And we all went for lunch. After lunch, I came there again. I was shocked because the field turned to black which was the cause of being burnt. My neighbor who helped to stop fire there when I was not around came up and blame me, for my friend told them I did it. So, I had to explain them step by step until they believed me. Or maybe they just did not want it further.

A few weeks after, I got another box of matches. And when I walked pass the same forest, I did the same thing, the way my friend had done the day before. I made fire on top of my match and threw it into a very dry grass. Suddenly, it reminded me of my last worst event, so I went close to the match and stepped on it to make sure the flame was gone. But not! I made the same mistake. This time was even worse. It burnt in larger area. Luckily that the same neighbor was still there and helped out on time again. This time, no one blamed on me because no one knew I was the one who did it.

The mistake in that year taught me a very good lesson; to be careful, to never play with fire, and to be more responsible for what I have done. Whenever I saw kid played with matches, I always advised them to never be involve with it or be more careful with flame they may make up. 

Eyes Contact

It amused me when I saw people made eyes contact on television or novels. It looked and sound fake, until I once experienced by my own.

It was a little different from movie when two people made eyes contact, where they could feel electricity ran through from one side to another. Yet one thing just went in parallel was everything went disappearing at the moment both sides refused to look away, but each other eyes.

We were at the middle of the super crowded canteen in Aeon Mall. Nothing. We were just resting after a long hours walk for our city tour, Phnom Penh.

He looked at me, and I did the same. We both smiled, yet our eyes were stillness. Normally, I was the kind of person who was easily stared down, but this time I was linger for a while. I guess it was more than 10 seconds, a moment I felt we were alone together in a white world where I could only see him, his eyes and his smile. And no one else.

I felt like we were secretly communicating, seeking, diving, reading, or else in silent just to learn about each other. Like there was a key to every questions we were holding on. Or an answer which possibly solved to all the riddle in our heads.

And since then, I started to noticed he peeked at me for several times. Just like I was doing since I had met him. And whenever our eyes met, we just gave each other a little smile. It seemed we intuited the messages which had never been sent out.

I just wished my cheeks didn't turn red at the moment our eyes were contacting.

Light in the Dark

May 31, 2018: before it went dark, before we continued our riding...

In the darkest circumstance, things learn to shine their light and depend on no one.

It amazed me when I once was at the middle of the ocean on a speedy tiny boat at night time. I saw nothing beside the lamp at the front of that transporter which shot to somewhere faraway, and the darkness was all around. It was extremely dark. I couldn't even see my finger, nor did I see the face I believed it was right there in front of me for hours till then.

Another hour later, maybe, I started to see the reflection of moon rise over the dark sea. I began to notice the dim blue light were jumping out non-stop from where the boat collided with the sea water. All were moving and glowing over us, the boat, at the middle of no where.

The guy who sat face to me long ago moved to an empty seat next to me. The reflection from sea at least helped me see his shadow there, his approach. "It's plankton." Said gently by that same gentle guy. And we both looked at that natural light dancing show, I believed so.

That atmosphere reminded me of a scene in The Good Dinosaur, a 2015 American animated film. The moment where Arlo and human kid were running on a grass field in the dark night, and suddenly fireflies were drifting out of the grass with their beautiful glows. It was like they were playing over those moving stars in the galaxy.

I brought my phone out of my short pants' pocket; 'May 31, 2018: In the dark, sea knows how to brighten by itself.' Noted me.  

I Hate You

Have you ever told someone that you hate him or her, yet you did not feel that way at all?

Said we hate them, for they did the thing we wish them not to do, for they seemed not to understand us, for they did not perceive the matter we expected them to know although we had never once said it out.

Remember a day, late May of 2018, when he suddenly came to tell me he was going to go on a separated boat, at the last minute, without a warning. He told me he had to go for scuba diving alone because he was the only person who had license for diving, so I needed to go with all of his friends instead, new friends I was not close to at all.

"I hate you!" I told him as he turned his back at me after saying goodbye. He turned around and peeked at me. "Please don't hate me!" said he. He remained his gentle smile on his face before he finally left me alone with his five friends.

'I hate you, but please come back soon and safe. I'm waiting.' I talked to myself.

I hated that he had to waste certain hours of that day which I was holding on not so much. I hated that he did not understand I was there just to see him, not those places. I hated that he made me felt like I was abandoned. I hated that the scuba diving required us to take course before they could permit us. I hated that I had to say I hated him instead of the fact I wanted him back safely, and I was there waiting to see him again.

I noticed I had never said I hated anyone, even someone I did not really like so much. Yet I came to speak it out to the person I was sure I had never meant or felt it even once.

Or is it to say we hate someone can translate in opposite of the actual definition of the word itself?

From I Hate Cat to I Like Cat

I used to hate cat so much, for my neighbor's cats kept digging my flower pots and caused my plants to death for many times. They had also left their poops there for me to smell and collect it daily, like they intended to.

So, it became habit for me to chased and scared them out whenever I saw them. Later, I felt like I was recognized well by those poor cats! They quickly ran away just to see me approached from far. I remember once a cat was running so fast and lost control, it fell down from my roof to ground. No surprise, I laughed for weeks about this.

But things have changed when those old cats disappeared, and their new generations come to replace. They were so skinny, and we could easily saw their bones which hid under their skin. It pointed out the lack of food and care by their owner.

My mom had started sharing my puppies' food for them every morning and evening. Week later, we were really surprised waking up saw two of them were waiting for my mom at our front door. They had also meowed at my mom through our glass door. It was adorable that way!

Not only they act that innocent to my mom, they have also turned to be more like friends to me. They don't run away anymore, yet they dare to amble straight to me. They had also leaned and meowed at me, the one who scared them out the whole year.

Now I find myself checking them out every morning, and feel so excited seeing them at my door, and being curious if they happened not to show up on time. I have also fed them sometime when my mom was busy. I start to feel so good with them.

The cats are still pooping and digging my flower pots sometime, but I notice I wasn't angry at them like I used to. I just chose to bury it to the bottom of my pot and stuck some old chopsticks into the land so as to prevent them from excavating my pot instead of trying to scare them again. Maybe I'm afraid those cats won't come around anymore.

I come to realize I have been influenced by my mom. Her kindhearted towards those cats has affected me day by day, including how those two siblings change their respond to my approach, I eventually become to feel much better with cats then before.

Note: This change indicates that if we linger to anything long enough, sooner or later, less or more, we will be impacted by them. So, choose to surround positivity or negativity is always our own choice. And that choice will form the future us.

Remote Area

Date: April 07, 2019

Edit: November 17, 2019

I was kind of realizing that time was much longer and worth opening my eyes for when I was once in a remote area where mobile service was no longer available. It was the only moment I could feel people were really connected.

However, I was still on phone sometimes. But I was recording the time, words, and important information I though I might forget somehow. I just loved to collect memories, both good and bad.

People said memories were better captured by our eyes and stored in our heart, the one on light screen were not as beautiful as the actual version. So we should leave our phone, and consume the real time.

But I think it was not enough to only let the full resolution of the moment run across our sense and passed by forever. Saw it, and recorded it. And the best time to be able to get things in detail was to document it right after it happened.

Some people went to mountain to see the mountain, and some went there to feel it. Yet both intention were just to build memories. It is okay to have different point of view or way of consuming.

Fake People

Date: March 10, 2019

When we have met so many fake people, we started to realize that walking alone is a lot easier and healthier for our mental.

Yet, the fact is that we all can always be fake for someone for certain reasons, and oftentimes we did not aware of it, for we are stubborn enough to stand up so high on our own opinion and emotion which lack of ability to make the right judgment.

Being true to ourselves is something we found it hard to be sometime. And it is always admirable if we could be one. But when we bring our self-being up at where someone be a victim of our decision, then the result of our truth is becoming fake people.

Be aware that it will never be wrong to be true to our feeling, and it will never be right too to use our true feeling as an excuse to destroy anyone else.

What We Would Like To Show

Look at this picture, it was all green and fresh, at the middle of rice field. We could feel so relaxed with its calming color. Yet it was just an angle, a part of a photo taker intended to show to his or her viewers. But who knows what was the real hue behind this natural light?

What if I tell you, it was surrounded by a few modern building which made it less likely what it seemed in the picture? What if I tell you there was certain garbage behind my back? What if I told you the smell was not as fresh as the photo is?

So, do you feel like the photo is FAKE now? But is it really fake? The answer can be Yes and No. 

It should have been fake if there was a description below said the opposite things, for other people could gravitate towards the place, so one could earn benefit from another. Yet it should have not been fake at all to only involve positive spot, to only love to document and spread beautiful stories as long as there was no made up line.

With different eyes, we can see thing in the same way. With different mindset, we are led to different worlds.

Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

"Ma'am, can I keep wearing the brace? I feel I am more beautiful with it, and I do not want to take it off." - Little unknown girl asked the dentist in the morning she had made an appointment for taking her brace off.

Many times, we are just like this young girl, we come to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable after time. For we stay with the trouble maker for too long, until we are tame to it. And we eventually become to feel like we can not be any better without it. We can also feel like we are losing a part of our life which cause us to be anxious about not being able to fill back the upcoming hole.

We tend to forget how annoying those brackets and wires are; the most when we were eating. We seem to ignore the fact our lips got cut over time already. We are more likely to no longer mind the difficulty we often tried to keep our teeth clean, the over brushing, yet they still got stained.

We did not aware that we are actually free from something that sabotage us for this long. We are actually losing the agony we have hold for years. And in reality, we are going to let our damaged skin recover.

For certain, it can be hard or weird at the first few days without them because we already used to the thick on our teeth for ages, and suddenly they go thin again. The hole is just for temporary. Sooner or later, we can surely intuit the right decision we had made. And realize that the actual comfortable is not the feeling of getting used to with the uncomfortable situation at all. It must be when we do not hesitate to abandon any circumstances which devastate us.

Why do we have to linger to something that keep tearing us into pieces everyday while leaving for better is the choice we can always go for?

Do not Rob My Belief

This is almost 20 percent of our 21st century already, why do opinions from medieval still exist? 

We, human, has the rights to believe what we truly believe. Non of us should be forced, both physical and mental, to follow the paths we are reluctant to do. Especially, when it is about belief. We should have been free to express the way we want it to be, as long as it does not against anyone's faith or life.

If you told me you worship certain stones, I would avoid walking or sitting on them. If you told me you love some kind of trees, I would not mind helping you water them sometimes. If you said you do not link anything, I may try not to bring them up when you are around. If you are willing to spend times at house of religion, I would also be okay to take you to the place someday although I do not like it. This is called RESPECT.

However, there are things you should be aware of; each of us have our own point of view, and ours have the same value as yours. We do not ask you to believe what we believe. So you should have not constrained us too, yet you should reciprocate with respect instead of attempting to blame our belief, for you can praise your thoughts wider.

Forcing me to follow your rule and leave my favorite behind, it only makes me feel like I am robbed and cheated. Telling me your belief is right and mine is wrong without any clear and reasonable explanation only makes me lose my respect for you, and it makes me consider you in another way. Being frustrated, for I refuse to believe what I do not believe in would only makes me curious if you are still okay.

Anything which is related to religion, it should be something come up from mind and heart, not from anyone's words or order or rule, or even the instinct. It should be something we are willing to do, not something we need to fake for good image.

we do not really need plastic heaven.  

Feeling Down

While we are playing Warcraft or Mobile Legends, we would need to escape for a little while when we are short of blood. And if we force to keep going, our character is going to die for real.

In our life, there are certain events work in parallel. Likewise our emotion, sometimes it goes down really quick, where it does not feel the courage at all. For maybe it has been through too many battles lately.

We should know that it is when it needs a break. Give it time. Let ourselves maintain and earn back the energy that only time could fill up that missing part.

Keep pretending like everything is okay when it is not will not help any better, yet it backfires on the inside of us where it leaves us feeling broken even more. Soon or later, we are going to fall down.

It is okay to take a rest when we are exhausted. Sometime, we also need to hide ourselves behind our comfort wall so as to protect ourselves from any possible injuries. Do not feel guilty for it. Do not constraint ourselves on certain rules we may had set. It is always okay to break some of them sometimes. Do not feel bad to take another step when our energy comes back. Continue when we are ready.

Rainy Day

Hiding myself from rain in the building is boring. Waiting for the droplets disappear is like waiting for new season to come. Especially, it is really annoying when I have an appointment or to go somewhere urgent, yet I come to stuck in a place instead.

Except on that wet day, water from sky becomes more beautiful when it helps me getting chance to stay with certain people for a little longer. It is a pleasant when the sky seems to give me reason to linger a little more. That only question me if god is standing by my side. For this moment. For god knows my intention.

Wasn't I waiting for when the sky go clear so as to continue? to leave the building? Yet why does it seem I am disappointed when I know now I can finally go? I wonder if I wanted to reach the place anymore or just to be here? Maybe here with that person who I ever want conversations with. I want to know everything about him.

I am glad, at least he had shared me certain information of him which I know I could never find them on his Facebook or Instagram account. Or even on his Blog. I was secretly wish for more of this kind of occasion where I could learn more about him.

But who knows if he felt the same or not...

Relationship Status

Relationship Status is just a word or compound words. We use them to describe how two or more people would like to be called or identified together. Good or not good, we are the one who give the definition to our own status.

Some people call each other "Best Friend" just to show how close they are, yet they come to talk bad behind each other's back. Being jealous when one is getting better than one. Secretly attack the one they usually call bestie somehow.

Some still call one another "Husband or Wife", but they do not love each other anymore. They cheat their partner and make love with new people.

Some are in relationship, not with just one person, but with many people. They love having fun rather than having a serious one.

Some couple are not married, but they live and have child together. And they love each other so much.

Some consider themselves and their partner as friend, yet they are more then what anyone could ever imagine. They do not say I Love You, they do not call each other boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, but they kiss. They sleep with each other, but they belong to no one.

Some relationship do not need to explain to or get verified from the whole world. We just need to keep it for ourselves. Just to be able to be aware of where we are, what we are doing, and what we had done is enough.

There are many types of relationship. And no one could ever understand it better than the ones who are working on it. It is really not our duty that we have to judge, to describe, to measure, or to give mark for anyone's personal life.

Hello, Love, Goodbye

Hello, Love, Goodbye - Philippine romance / 2019

We may not know until we once step in this path by our own. To fall in love with a person we know exactly he/she is going to leave. And yet we still insist to struggle. We know we can not change the fact the person is not going to stay, so to maintain that quality time we are holding as much as possible and make it the best as we can is the only choice we have and crave for. Make sure we are not wasting it even a second.

Tell you what, counting down the time at this circumstance is like waiting for when someone come up just to rip our heart to pieces. And all we do is to be willing to watch ours are being torn to part. And keep reminding ourselves "I can match those broken pieces and glue it after. Sooner or later, it is going to be recovered."

Whatever, which encounters are not going to end up saying goodbye? It is just in a short period or longer. Return or never. Feeling attached or detached.

Some people walk pass our line just to say hello and goodbye. Some cross ours and stick around for a period of time, build memories for us to remember, and leave.

There is also a quote say "Nothing is last forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what's between hello and goodbye." - Unknown

Yes! Do not let the time rush us to do what we wish to do. Do not let our hesitation build up an empty room for us. Be brave enough to hold the brush and paint the color we covet for. When the time is ours, grab and squeeze it tight. Worth and appreciate every moment. Spread love, because hate is not worth remembering. Let LOVE stay between our HELLO and GOODBYE.

Memories Haunt

Is this called MEMORIES HAUNT?

To feel like our heart is tossed into the air whenever the person who left long ago suddenly appeared in our head. Seemingly, it was just happened a few days or minutes before, although it took place for ages.

To feel like we are losing our breath to realize that we are not going to see them again. This sounds dramatic, yet it was exactly occurred to us, when we could hardly breath because of the happy moment in the past kept drifting over nonstop. And we realize that we do not have the power to bring it up again.

To dream about their returning, and only to disappoint ourselves when we wake up knowing it was not truly happening. It kept waking us up many times a night, almost we could not sleep. It is definitely awkward! They killed our mood in day time is not enough, so they come up and haunt us in our dream too. For we can feel the agony twice.

To feel sad and pain when we go to place we used to be together with them, and now they were absent. We may linger to the place, for we see their picture is moving in front of us. The way they dress, walk, and smile. And the way we gazed at them like they were the only object there.

To keep hearing their phrases or voice, and sounds like it is new in our hear. We also remember how they pronounce words almost we can repeat those lines out in the same accent. Sometime, we even answered the call in our head out loud. And to only aware we were alone with ourselves now.

And if these are not called haunting, I do not know what haunting is, when their visiting scare us harder than ghost does.

Best Time in a Relationship

"The most wonderful time of a relationship is before it really happens." - Yi Shen / You Are The Apple Of My Eye - Taiwanese romance film / 2011 

It is not because of the both sides were trying to be good for each other at the moment, but it is because of the less expectation in each of them towards one another at that time.

Before two people were really on date; non of them would be mad not getting responded fast or short. No one would be frustrated for not being understood. It is fine not to talk or see each other daily. It is okay if one of them hang out and have fun with another. It is normal to make decision without informing or discussing with the another side.

But once two people crossed that hidden line into the relationship zone, although they knew the main causes, they just could hardly control them. They tend to assume that it is the must that their partner has to intuit their thought and noticed every little things which mess their relationship in detail. 

And the relationship often go to an end at this point where two people choose not to open up and clear the matters together by expecting the partner to feel their insecurities, and they end up letting the trauma from misunderstanding tear them to part.

They become to forget the effort they made since the first place just to be together.

Human Touch

The touch from people we love is warm and exciting, and it is like an electricity shock and cause pain sometime. The touch is also part of human connection, the communication without word, but we seem to be able to perceive the message well enough. To touch or to get touched, both are the best the feeling in the world, yet it is a sorrow if we are unable to, do not have a chance for, or become to lost the opportunity.

Do you remember that feeling when you touched him or her for the first time, like a greet? Did you hear the thud your heart made during the both side of skins had met? I know I was not the only one who felt that excitement of how the warm feeling ran through our hand, soon they reached our heart and made it moved non-stop, and the dread of the beat in our chest being heard came along.

That same touch can possibly lead to the ache as well. It comes from being nervous. For instance, when Oliver put his arm around Elio and Did a gently squeeze on Elio's shoulder for the kind of friendly touch or massage. But Elio had to pull himself out of Oliver's arm, for the pain, but it was not really a pain, yet it was a pain of excitement and nerve. The sore which caused by the virgin skin was being touched for the first time. – Call Me By Your Name. Similarly, I once got touched from a person I loved, on my thigh when I was wearing short, I was shocked at the moment and instinctively pushed his hand away immediately. It was not I rejected him, but it was a resist without thought.

The touch can also be a sorrow. Oftentimes, when the intense is constrained. Especially, when the both sides crave for it from each other so much, yet the situation does not allow. And what surprise us as always for this circumstance is that they would sacrifice their most values, even though it is just for once. For example, in Five Feet Apart, Stella and Will risked their life just to be closer to each other. In Everything Everything, Maddy left her comfort zone and put her life in danger just to be once with Olly. And back in an old day, I remember I pushed myself to go through my phobia with tear on my cheeks just to visit a person. To see him and to be able to touch his hand again.

Because only when we touch him or her, we could feel the agony from missing someone is being healed.  Because only when we got touched back, we then realize that if they are really there for us or not anymore.

I Know Myself

To touch the fire would make my fingers burning. To stare at the bright bulb would be a devastation of my sight. To linger close to the lamp would turn my skin to the hue of that giving glow. But I have always been so stubborn and foolishly done all these things sometimes, repeatedly like I have never learnt. Like I have never been cracked.

To walk pass the police line while they are hanging, it has never been in my head. To get into someone's house without invitation, the thing I could never make it occur. To stand on my tiptoes or any objects to make myself look taller is something out of my desire. To aggressively cross the road when the traffic light goes red, that would never be in my though too. So no need to be worried about it. I am not going to cut the queue in order to be at front line although I do not like waiting.

I have always been sufficiently advised; to never lean on someone, take credit on work I do not belong to, break other people's wall, exaggerate things, fake being someone else, steal other people's happiness, or even to earn benefit from relationship. And I have also set a very strict rules for myself on how to reciprocate the other.

Whatever, I am just a human being, too, like you and everyone else. I made mistakes. Sometime it was unintentionally done, and sometime I did not aware of it. But I am sure I have never premeditated them out. If you see it, and you do not let me know, and you expect me to intuit what I do not know since the first place by shouting out inside yourself. How is it possible? How can I read your mind?

I may have crossed my line and walk out of my circle sometime, but I have never forgotten to remind myself to never attempt to demolish the other people's belongings. I have always known that, inside me.

Our Nature

Date: March 23, 2019

Edit: August 06, 2019

When you heard the word NATURE, what come up to your mind? For certain, pictures of forest and green plants will be appeared in your head. But when it come to a topic of sexual orientation, NATURE seems to be defined to two different meanings which are opposed to each other.

Well, straight people said that being homosexual was one of a premeditated crime in order to lead human to extinction. To love the same sex was way out of the law of nature. the kind of that should be cut off.

I often left comments; told them that crimes mostly happened from discrimination against one another, and nature is anything which exist by themselves and made changed by no one. And it was not like the feeling of love can be taught or built. It just live inside us since we were born, and eventually we figured it out more and more as we grow up. Nature is not defined based on the act of majority.

However, just one of your finger is longer than the rest, it does not mean to be cut to the same level, but to be treated the same. Without one of them, it will be incomplete.

Why do we tend to be confused between FACT and OPINION toward NATURE?

Looking For The Eyes

It is not that hard to describe how a person or thing looks like when we once face to face, yet it seems we need so much effort to be able to see eye to eye, to dive deep into the ocean of their vision. To read. To learn. To judge. To understand.

Some pairs are so clear, yet they are blank. This only makes us feel like we are attempting to study historical from a paper without ink; all we see is the perpetual of white color, all we discover are the emptiness, and all we perceive are just those unpredictable events.

I have always thought that to walk into the garden was enough to know all of the flowers out there. But it is only possible to know their name, color, smell, and shape. I have no idea how do they live. What do they consume? What kind of bugs do they attract in? If they stay at wet or dry land? More sunlight or more shade? Sweet or bitter? Medicine or poison?

It is so common that the face is easy to identify, and eyes are hard to swim in. Chest out there can be seen, and heart is not always sharing its signal for us to feel. No surprise. That is what we have to learn. Once we decided to go through it, whether it is good or bad, we have to be ready for it.

Sometime, if we knew things in advance, we may lose interest or become to fear of it. For certain, it would definitely stop us too. And that when we really lose; we lose chance to see and feel what we may be proud of later. We may lose that chance which only happened once in a lifetime. We may lose the chance to know another favorite thing we don't aware of yet.

In history, there was not the collection of well done or good decisions. There were the mixed of rights and wrongs. And wasn't that how all the first founder had always done? To "Experience it".