Tonny: A Life Journey

 

An innocent life became a stranger to new environment overtime. A life that was abandoned again and again for his aggressive attitude. Tear dropped when a life came to realize he was unwanted for the second times at the age of four. He was handed from one person to another.

I could sense his dread and loneliness when he hid under the red hammock, a place he just saw for the first time. He was shaking and his eyes were checking on the glass doors. He seemed to expect his owner would come and pick him up soon, so he could be home. But he had never seen the one he waited for ever again.

Later, a drifting life learned to love and belong to his brand new atmosphere. He might not perceive the fact his new place and people were trying too. They tried to understand him, and get along with his aggressiveness. He might not intuit that those were the people who would never give up on him.

It looked like he started to enjoy his new life with his new owner for 6 years and 8 months now. They shared him their bed. They gave him toys and new clothes. They bathed him daily. And they always brought him along whenever they traveled.

Who could knows what's coming next? Yesterday could be a clear blue sky, and today it turns rainstorm. A happy and strong living creature you just saw a moment before could now their life were taken away forever, and nothing on this world could replace that missing spot.

But that is a journey of each life. We just can't pin the distance we aspire for. The good and bad just head straight to us from nowhere and without a warning. Whether you want it or not, when it comes, it will come.

May my beloved Tonny rest in peace. And if another life was real, may he be a nice human, a lucky one.

June 06, 2014: first met

February 25, 2021: last seen

The Mask

In order to look naughty and more like a bad person, performers tend to draw their eyebrows a little higher than their natural shape. And on some kind of traditional show, artists have to wear giant or devil masks so as to be identified as mean characters. At back stage, the bad and good guys put their masks off and have a good smile for each other.

In real life, thing opposes from the show. The harmful ones seem to love wearing a smiley and innocent face. They train to behave kindly and socialize. They paint their black-face white and their bronze to gold. They even act better than a real good one. But once their true face get exposed, the scene would go plot twist. They would rush to devastate everything just to be able to put their new mask back on.

Just like a tragedy in mid of 2020, it has indicated that ambition and greed were powerful enough to turn people into anything, or perhaps it just uncovered the truth which laid under their fake skin for decades. The thirst of wealth and fame had pulled an angel mask down and remained satan instead. The most trustful and respectful people in life could also switch sides from a kindhearted butterfly who only consumed nectar to a hungry worm who aggressively cut  the whole plant to death for its own stomach.

It was shocking and hard to believe at first, for a person who is going to own a coffin today or tomorrow still need so much of credits and properties that they become shameless and inhumanity in doing anything, even to sabotage their closest one just to own something they do not belong to. It was like a hard strike for the victim where they went stunned and unavoidable.

Would people really like to cultivate that well premeditation for almost a lifetime just for today accomplishments, or does the possible occasion lead them to be a proud scam who hide under an innocent layer?

witnessed this tragedy at middle of 2020

photo was taken on January 2019

the mask was made by Chin Ayuthhyea

write this on December 11, 2020

Travel Alone for First Time

Going abroad alone was scary, and it worried me the most. Because I did not speak English well enough and the place was new for me too, I was afraid I could not move farther or even just to reached the point I had set.

In mid of 2018, I had to travel to Indonesia, and that was my very first time traveling alone and that far, 3000 kilometers away from home. I had experienced a lot of things that I had never done or encountered before. It excited and gave me nerves at the same time.

I could not forget those moments when people were so kind and willing to help me when I was stuck and not knowing what to do next.

I remember once when my first flight stopped in Malaysia. The airport, KLIA2, was so big, and I was so dumb being unable to find a way to a place to stay even though people were trying to gave me direction. Luckily, I met a man who I believed he was a pilot (base on uniform). I asked him for direction, and he walked me to that accommodation.

Another time was when the plane landed in Makassar, Indonesia. I was keeping my backpack on the plane shelf, but someone pushed it deeper during they tried to get their belongings before they left. I was not so tall that I could not reach my backpack above anymore. It was out of reach! I watched people left one by one as I was waiting for a cabin crew to help me get my stuff, for they were way taller then me! Yet it seemed no one came my way or even to peeked at me. Then there was an Indian guy walking from far, and he smiled at me. I had not said anything yet, he just reached my bag and handed it to me. How nice he was!

Maybe I had seen and heard so much bad news about people that somehow it frightened me, yet there were really plenty of good people out there. Perhaps that positive incident I had bumped into that year would later encourage and push me to repeat that same activity in another time. Just sooner or later.

Tong: Memories - from my very gay perspective

Photo: TVmaze / Jung Woo left side - Doo Hyun right side

So I had just watched "Tong: Memories", a 2016 Korean TV series. It was about school guys who fight back those gangsters who intended to bully them. Amazingly, they won all the time, and that make those gangsters hate them even more.

But during the show, I could not stop myself from feeling the gay vibe in that series! I felt their bromance along the show! It is sad they were not!

It was like a couple. When Doo Hyun was jealous of Jung Woo's fighting skill, and he tried to ignore and avoid Jung Woo, but Jung Woo still managed to see him at his class. (Babe! Can you stop being mad at me?) in my thought! xD

That was so cute when Doo Hyun punched Jung Woo in the face, yet Jung Woo remained calm and talked nicely to him. Just like a gentle man tried to compromise his mad girlfriend! haha

It was way too nice when Jung Woo came to save Doo Hyun at the last minutes of the fight, although Doo Hyun acted like he did not want to be friend with Jung Woo anymore.

I secretly wish they had a romance relationship instead of friendship!

Sea Shells

Walking along the beach in an evening was a wonderful moment, and more interesting for beach that was full of sea shells. So, we could pick some of them home for souvenir, for ourselves, for reminding our good old day, for we could find our feeling back when it is getting faded somehow.

The sand there was not as smooth as the sand in my country. It was made up of bigger gravel (it was not too big but bigger than where I was from), the broken corals, and sea shells. All were in and on that sand. It hurt my feet to wander around on them on some areas.

An older brother who looked my age was leading closer to the beach, when he started to pick his first snail shell up and hold it in his hand. I was thinking if I should pick some by my own or should I ask him to pick one for me so as to keep as souvenir. Beside speaking it out, I was walking pass by many beautiful shells I loved, yet I told myself not to collect even one of them.

"Here, it's beautiful!" Said he, and he handed it straight to me. OMG! xD hahaha

My hand was faster than my brain! Yeah, I took it from him. "Yes, it is!" I replied.

'Does he just ask me to hold for him? Will he take it back? Nuh, I don't care. I will never give him back anyway. It's mine now!' I thought. And then I put it into my shirt pocket, while he was looking for another one.

This photo was taken on May 29, 2018. This writing was written and uploaded on my Facebook on September 02, 2018.

Change

If changing makes us happy, then do it. For no matter what, people would still complain about our life. And it is their problem, not ours.

If we happen not fit certain beauties standard, we would get called ugly. If we wear makeup or fix some parts out of our natural look, they would call us plastic.

In fact, we need to remember that people only have opinion towards thing they had paid attention to or jealous of. Absolutely, that thing must be so bold, and it reminds their insecurities.

Don't change to fit someone's opinion, change for our own need, change to fulfill our own purpose.

When We Are Heartbroken

This photo was taken on August 19, 2015, the day after I broke up with my ex.

 

When someone breaks our heart, it must be really hurt already, so we should not hurt ourselves more than this, especially our physical. Love ourselves first! The person who comes into our life is just a bonus. We do not necessary to give them the power to make rain and storm in our life.

Do not cut our skin! Some people said they cut their skin so as to relief pain they are dealing with. But who come with this stupid idea? It helps us nothing, but it will  adds more discomfort to our current suffering. After that, we also need to deal with our long term scars.

Do not end our life! Who knows what will happen next? Perhaps, the best thing in life is coming along their way, and tomorrow is their arrival time. If we died already, how could we be able to welcome them to our life? Please wait for them!

Do not starve our stomach! Staving ourselves do not helps any better to our feeling, but to feel extra ache. Try to eat good food, for eating delicious food give us so much pleasure. We do not need to empty our stomach just to show the world that right now we are heartbroken. We can be heartbroken and getting well eat at the same time.

Do not blame ourselves! When someone cheat on us or leave us, it is not our fault, but it is theirs. If they are going to cheat, they will cheat. If they are going to leave, they will leave. No matter we blame ourselves for the decision they made for their life or beg them to stay, there will be no different. When their time comes, they will do what they are going to do anyway.

Instead of hurting ourselves even more, why not  trying to live better?

Our parents did not gave birth to us for we can sabotage it now. But they aspire we could live a life as good as possible. So we should treat ourselves as well as our parents have always done for us. Do not disappoint them!

Remind ourselves; stay healthy, stay beautiful, and stay happy.

Wonderland

I was once falling into wonderland, and I almost forgot where I actually belonged to. I was trapped for its atmosphere, or maybe the one I was near.

But what is wonderland to you? Is it somewhere you have never been before? Is it where magical happens? Or is it stunning thing you had seen in fairy tale?

For me, perhaps they are somewhat a happiness which once was built at a place I did not belong to. It was somewhere I had to force myself to leave when my time was over. And it was only a place that even I was coming back, at some points I would not feel it was there anymore.

Now I wonder if wonderland was something I lost, or was it something I could not stop dreaming about? Was it haunting me, or was I just craving for it to open its door for me again?

Wonderland was like the only place that most of my dreams came to life. The only place where I could have a lot of fun out of my fear. I could ride fake boat and fall from hill. Train. Car in a made-up jungle. Haunting house. Mirror maze. Bumping cars. Ferris wheel. 4D movie. The science room. And Roller-coaster. All were under fake-dark-sky, a black clothes.

Wonderland was more likely not a special and magical place, it was just a place where I could go to any times, yet it made me felt like the place was special like magic in another way. Blue and green ocean. Rough rock mountain. Remote island. Cave. Baby shark. Manta ray.

Sometime, wonderland was not on land. It was up into the sky. It was when I pressured myself not to fall asleep for two hours straight on Garuda just to had a simple conversations up there which helped my heart jumping up and down like a happy dog!

Possibly, wonderland is for everyone, yet you found it already or later. I found mine once at 3000 kilometers away from home. And hopefully, I am seeking for a way coming back to it again.

Have you found yours?

A Night to Remember

So, if you played with my left ear, I would still keep my eyes on my phone screen and pretend like I did not know it. But if you ever veered off, I would shamelessly follow you.

So, if you touched my right thigh with your left hand when I worn short, I might push your hand away immediately. I would not actually mind that touch. It was just my instinct, a resisting without thought.

So, if you kissed me on my lip, I would try my best to reciprocate, even though I did not really know how to respond. I was still new to that thing. But if you happened to want more, I would ask for lights out.

So, if your hand kept running on my tummy and went up and up right under a dark green t-shirt you had lent me at early of that evening, I would laughed out at that moment. It was my sensitive spot. But if you asked me why, I would said I did not know.

So, if our lips touched already, would you now want to share your bed with me? Or would you want me to leave as soon as I could?

So, if this was the night I had to remember, would you still have it on your mind too?

He Cheated on Me

Whenever I was in a relationship, I had always told my partner that if someday they did not love me anymore, or if they fell in love with someone new, please let me know. Just do not ignore me or lie. Then we could peacefully exit our relationship and still be friend. I did not want to have someone to hate, especially those I was one in love with.

Turned out to be different, I remember one of my exes was very cold. He cheated on me at mid of 2015. He was dating someone new while our connection was not broken yet. I saw their photos on Instagram. Perhaps this was the reason he did not come to see me like he used to and refused my visiting for weeks straight.

He denied when I showed him what I had found. He said I was trying to accuse him to made him sounded like he was a cheater or a bad person. Then we broke up on that day.

I felt bad for week, for I thought I was being unreasonable. I kept questioning myself why could I not trust him a little more? Did I mistakenly get him wrong? Was I overthinking? He did not seem to be that kind of person at all. He was a good son, he loved kids, he was a good friend to most of his friends too, and he was being so gentle with me at the beginning too. Did I miss out some part of the events? Or was I being too childish?

Soon enough after we broke up, he had his very best way to prove how foolish I was. He started to show up his new guy, the guy which I caught he was dating with the day before. I was stung! I felt the ache in my heart, the emptiness in my stomach. I wonder what had I done wrong that he had to do like this to me? Why could he not just let me know and leave instead of holding me on to bleed like that?

We all were already full grown people at that time. I did not see why we had to play with people's feeling. We could actually be just straightforward and honest with each other. To stay or to leave, just said it out.

Do not stand people up if we know we are not going to make it happen! Do not waste their time, and so is my time!

Cheetah

I heard that number 4 is a dead number

I think it's more likely a player

A handsome large cat killed 21 impalas

He keeps one alive although he does it fast

Oh! a kindhearted cheatah

Everyone said he has beautiful pattern on skin

I told them it was a trap, don't ever come in

They admire his strong legs when he runs

I know his honesty is weak, less than a month

They scream out they love his long tail

I warn them he loves it short, just like hell

Or he never does

Now they hate me, that last prey

For I don't thank him that day

He doesn't tear me

He doesn't chew me

He doesn't hurt them

He doesn't kill them

How about my 21 friends?

He is a cheetah

I call him cheatah

He wears white clothes

Long across his knees

He love cross sign

He minds only if it's tasty

I'm the 22nd impala

Run away from number 4 cheatah.

Crystal Blue

This photo was captured on May 31, 2018. 08:21 am. In Papua, Indonesia.

He was just like this ocean. It was crystal blue, the color I love. It was clear, no dirt, no garbage, yet I still could not look through it from the surface to the bottom.

He was like this blue sea. It was only blue in there. Whether I stored it into a bottle, it turned to different color immediately.

He was like this beautiful saltwater. It was so far away from where I belonged to, calm, and no shorelines. But if I happened to fall into it, I knew I would never be able to get out of it without helping hand.

He was like this natural water park. He gave me nostalgia, so it could haunted me later that I had to remember him for that.

But he was not like this pale blue ocean which I could gravitate to the bottom of it till I lost my breath. He just kept pushing me back to where I belonged to, every time I had tried to dive in.

Blue Ocean

[... I love where the ocean go blue and green at the same time, except a morning of June 02, 2018 ...]

That crystal blue ocean

Witnessed our story

That wooden bunk beds 

Kept secret you and me

That rough mountain rocks 

Stored our mystery 

Fear

Desire

And risky

Only the moon heard my dread

When my light went flickering 

Only the dock felt my weight 

When my heart lost its wings

Only the boat saw my truth

When my tear dripped out of my skin

And

Pretended 

Like nothing.

Lie Not To Lie

Today, two years ago was a very special day in my life. My new favorite milestones were added to my journal almost 10 days straight, and 30th May was my fifth at that period.

It was an evening, after we spent hours being wet for whole day on our boat trip. We finally arrived our homestay which was on a remote island in Raja Ampat, Indonesia. Nobody else, just us.

We had dinner together at our wooden dinning table, and everyone had conversations in Bahasa Indonesia which I could not understand even a thing. So, I just kept eating. I remember I ate 8 shrimps when everyone only got a few of them. XD hahaha

Suddenly, they turned the question at me. And six pair of eyes were too. They staring me down before their question came out.

"How do you know Mr. K?" His friend, Hendra, asked.

"You can ask him directly." because Mr. K was also there, and I just didn't want to tell a lie. I was not good at lying.

Mr. K used to tell me in April 2017 that if anyone asked how we knew each other, just told them we were from a game. But the problem was I didn't usually play game. What if they asked me in detail? I would be stung!

"We just want to know if he lied us or not. He told us he knew you from game." The another friend, Meilisa, who sat next to me said.

I glanced at him, but he kept staring at food on table, and he picked some food up to bite. He choked a little bit before he left the table for water. Guess he was pretending not to care about their question and my answer.

"Sorry. I cannot remember because it's long time already." I lied. Anyway.

"How long?"Asked Meilisa.

"Maybe 2 years."

"Not that long to not remember." She said so, but there was no more question.

Everyone was quiet for a few seconds, then Hendra, that same person who sat at the opposite of my seat and next to Mr. K, began...

"Look at him." Hendra's hand was on Mr. K's face, like he was trying to introduce me his brand new product. "He's so handsome. You know? He has so many girlfriends there." He continued.

Everyone laughed, and so did I. I began to feel like everyone could feel my feel toward Mr. K too. We just chose not to speak it out, or the atmosphere would turn to uncomfortable.

"Why do you like Raja Ampat?" Meilisa asked.

I paused a few seconds. 

What? I did not even use to know Raja Ampat before. I just came here to see him!

"I like sea and mountain." I replied and smiled at her. (Thinking how smart and flexible I was.) haha

Everyone started to talk in Bahasa again. I can not understand. But I was totally enjoy the moment.

They Say

They say above sky, there is god

I only see them and costumes

Maybe it’s my individual thought

But sometime, there’s obviously the devil

They say speaking white, a kindhearted

I check what they bring here

A stainless heart doesn’t seem to come with

Is it dropped? Is it stolen?

They say my love is a sin

Their racist and hatred turn golden color

Mine’s wrong by design, theirs’ what it has always been

Perhaps they don’t know. That’s just an instinct

And rainbow is still shining whether they refuse to pin

Password

It was embarrassing to tell that I once had his full date of birth for my mobile lock screen, 211188. It was kind of special and a little heartwarming to have cyphers which most of people didn't know, yet I was sure there were several people would understand.

It was like I wanted it to stay secret, at the same time I wanted it getting exposed. I didn't want anyone know it, yet I aspired someone could intuit my hidden message. Like a riddle which was waiting for someone to solve it to be freed.

It was all fine until a day I was almost caught by him when we were on our second trip, May 28, 2018.

I was alone with him in the same bedroom that I had to be more careful, to never let him got chance approached my phone. I knew he was smart enough for that such as thing. He might guess it right, and I would be in trouble. haha

I had changed it to my year of birth, plus my favorite number, and his year of birth. It was 932288. He would never get it right, I was confident (not really). Also, I was using fingerprint instead of typing my passcode out in front of him. I was smart, too, right? And yeah! I passed. I didn't get caught that night although he had used my phone for a short period, he helped changing new sim card and tested it for me!

But, there was a night of 1st June, it was when he needed my phone again for many times to call home and check his social media, for his phone gone wild for the heavy rain the days before. I unlocked my phone for him all the time I passed mine to him, only once when he was holding it long enough until it locked by itself. He asked me to unlock for him again. That time, I wanted to try too. To know. If he knew. If he even paid attention to. I gave him my password.

"Sembilan tiga dua dua delapan delapan." I spoke his language. Yeah, I could count in his language well enough. XD "I gave you my password, but promise me to never lock into my notes!" Added I. It would be a devastating if he happened to lock into my notes because most of my writing there were about him.

"I know." Said he. I truly trusted him.

He applied that code in and started typing. He showed me that it already unlocked and looked at me from about three meters away.

"I know there is something in your password." He said and looked back to the light screen. My heart was racing, but I played it cool. I pretended like I knew nothing.
"What?" Asked I.
"It's your year of birth and mine." He said and peek at me a little bit.
"No. It's not." I lied.
"It is. That 93 is yours, and 88 is mine." He seemed confident.
"Then what is that 22 for?"
"I don't know. But I'm sure that 93 and 88 is ours." said without looking at me.
"It's not." I convinced (?). @@ before I escaped to take a shower.
"It is."

Then the secret code was finally solved like I had expected too although I didn't admit it. hahaha. At the same time, I felt embarrassed for what I had done. But for whatever it was, all I kelp in mind was that 'I didn't have so much time.' It was less than 24 hours before we had to part again. For year. Or years. Or forever. I had no clue.

Three Years Ago, Three Years Later

Oh god! I’m so jealous of my memory for today three years ago!

It was the day I had slept only two hours and half, then I had activities for full day, from 5:30 to 20:00. I felt like I was a walking dead, yet I had warm body. That was not R from Warm Bodies, but that was R.I.T.H from Phnom Penh. XD hahaha

I miss how I was nervously walking through crowd of street market at down, alone, and for first time. I was reaching the blue dot on my messenger’s map. My heart kept racing, the butterflies in my stomach kept moving non stop too. God! My dot was closely gravitating to the another dot on Share Location plateform.

Olympic Stadium, Independence Monument, Royal Palace, Central Market, Sorya shopping center, Wat Phnom, Russian Market, and Aeon mall before we headed back to the bus stop. That was how our 14 hours and half went.

I also remember that April 25, 2017 had a heavy rain in evening. Some roads were flooding. Lightning and thunder frightened me.

I remember I ambled back home alone again with so many emotions in my head. I remember I got a promise for another meetup in the future which would be longer, better, and further. 

Money

I used to work in an apartment at the middle of the city, as a receptionist. I received payment over $500 every month from each tenant is fine, for I knew they were rich. But when I have started to work here, a pharmacy in a rural area, received only $10 from people who earned very little  a day made me sick.

Their face expression when they heard the amount they had to pay and when they hand me money was secretly breaking my heart into pieces. Especially, when they brought all the money from their pocket out, and it still wasn’t enough for their fee. I honestly felt very uncomfortable in that situation.

Many times, I had tried to calculate it again and again because the amount they had to pay seemed higher than what I had expected just to make sure I was not mistaken. 

I couldn’t help anything beside watching all of these conditions happened in repeat. 

Fear and Desire

There is always a time when we feel like we jeopardize our life by stepping out into our biggest fear so as to seek for a small happiness within them. We may win, and we may lose. No one knows if we have never given our first step out.

If we are lucky enough, we'll find it, and there will be another milestone. If we are misfortune, it'll be another nightmare or become empty. Life is like this. Yet there are certain things we would still be able to hold them along whether we lose or win; our new experience and memory.

Is it worth for the risk? Maybe. Things always come and go, but we human don't just exist and disappear into air. We build, and we remain. We commemorate, we remind, and we are remembered. That's what make us special. And that special things lead us to each of our own perpetual journey. To meet unexpected events in life. And our goal, the little happiness above.

Perhaps it sounds stupid for most people to think about putting ourselves into uncomfortable circumstances in order to earn memories. Perhaps there is only emotional people would be able to intuit its value. And keep going for it, fight for it, celebrate for it, and cry for it.

Like if I hadn't dived into my dreadfulness in that middle year of the dog, how could I get the seashells and sand, the new banknotes and coins, his touch and kiss, his goodbye hug and my tear? And I would have no stories to tell too.

Meat Eater

Date: February 13, 2020

I had watched a video of Mike on his YouTube channel, Fearless & Far, when he decided experience taking a pig’s life by his own hand. For he thought that if we choose to eat meat, we need to understand the circumstances, both when we took a life, and when a life was taken.

It’s horrible and heartbreaking that we human, include me, are so selfish to steal someone happy life to fulfill our own passion of flavor. It’s even more cruel that we know it isn’t right, yet we choose to pretend like it is okay.

The video was so uncomfortable to kept me watching that I had to skipped it a few minutes there which later it questioned me why do I have to feel comfortable consuming them then? It only evoked me the lie I have always told myself that they are food, and I have no choice. I know they are just my selfish excuses.

However, if we experience watching them screaming before they lost their breath for us in real life like that, perhaps we would be more aware of the value of food meat that we should have not wasted  them at all. Even a small piece of it. And if we happen to take their life by our own hand too, maybe we wouldn’t even dare to have a bite.

My Worst Childhood Memories

This article was written for my professor in year 1, semester 2, on topic "Childhood Memories"  on March 09, 2018.

Edit and Rewrite: December 21, 2019

When it comes to talking about memories in childhood, the worst thing I have never forgotten was I got bullied in primary school. Classmates made fun of me, for I was the smallest and weakest one in class. I got pushed, laughed at, and abused on most of the day. Sometimes, they had locked the classroom's door and kept me outside until my teacher came.

The young me was dumb and coward. No matter how often I got bullied, I had never reported to my teacher or even my parents. I just kept it all to myself. Many times, I had asked my dad to stop studying, but I was rejected. I really did not want to attend that class anymore, nor did I want to step into that school. I just felt like I did not have the courage to be there. I felt like I did not belong to there.

The last worst memory I had was when I was once in classroom alone with those four classmates who had always bullied me. I was reviewing lesson before class when four of them stood over my seat, and they were discussing on how to annoy me. I just tried to ignore them and focused on my book, for I knew I could not do anything while they were twice bigger than me.

One of them started to take my textbook and threw it away while the other were laughing. I was really angry because I though they could demolish my book which my parents worked so hard to get it for me. I stood up aggressively and talked to them, but the other three stopped me by squeezing both of my hand and body. And then, the another one picked his flip-flop up and hit my head. I did nothing, nor did I cry. I just told myself to be patient because that was not my time.

Sometime, I wished I could remember at least one of their face, so I would be able to revenge them in some occasion now. But I could not, for it was long ago. I do not even remember their names. Maybe gods are just being kind to me because they know if I had a chance to revenge them, thought this thing would not end up easily. I may be in jail or hospital somehow. 

Extra: But now is December 12, 2019, when I am writing this again, I realize I was writing this with anger last year. Yet, after reading a book by Xandia Ooi, Be Happy, Always, I realize I am not that person anymore. Because revenge them only turns me to be the same person like them, the kind of people I wish to never be. And all I want is just to be at peace. I choose to let go, and be happy.

thank you Xandia, and your BHA...

Deal With My Unhappiness

When you find yourself unhappy, how do you usually do to help yourself better?

I was once very unhappy and stressful with my life. I found myself got easily frustrated and upset most of the time. I didn't like a lot of things. I knew it wasn't good for my mental health, yet I didn't know how to be at peace.

But, one day, in late 2017, when I attended my new class at PUC, I got chance to listen to a monk, a well-known one there. He had talked about a few topics, but I caught one topic as I was so interested in that. He presented about "How to stay away from sadness." It was like god brought him to save me at my lowest time.

He said, to be happy, we first need to stay away from unhappy things. And unhappy things are included unhappy stuffs, unhappy people, and unhappy thought. If it makes us suffering, we don't really need to keep holding it. Just leave it. Stay away from those negativities.

As soon as I backed home, I started to follow his advice. I packed all items which reminded me of my past memories and kept them at the bottom of my storage. I unliked and unfollowed all the pages in Facebook which often uploaded sadness quotes. Also those people who liked to post something bothered the peace of my mind.

I began to subscribe to those people who have always shared positive though, or those who worked to motivate the other instead. Most of them are about Buddha's quotes. For these things bring peace to my mind. 

I also filled my newsfeed with animals' photos, plants, and funny video. Especially when I realized I was in bad mood because these ways will help me reduce my stress or anger faster.

These are the tools I've always used to help me go through my difficult times. How about yours? Feel free to share yours in comment below... ;)